If You Have a Podcast, But No One Listens, Do You Still Exist? Sort of.
According to science, the answer is “yes”.
If a tree falls in the forest, it would invariably emit sound waves even if no one is around to hear them. So, yay! You are a living breathing human being with a body and a desperate need of attention.
But, according to the blogosphere, the answer is a resounding “no”. You do not exist. Not where it matters most — on the interwebs.
What a conundrum — to simultaneously exist and not exist. Like Schrödinger’s cat. You’re both alive and dead at the same time.
But, you can still live a full and satisfying life being both dead and alive. Take politicians for example. They are alive when they to walk into Congress but brain dead when asked to answer simple questions like “Did you make three million dollars from insider trading last year, senator?”
But you’re not dead, dammit. You can see your reflection in the mirror. Your dog still sniffs your butt. The IRS knows where you live. Let’s fix this.
Do you have something to say?
Number one cause of podcast/vodcast/blogcast failures — thinking you need to say something important/interesting/educational. The best “casts” say absolutely nothing. Yet they still have watchers/listeners/trolls. Why? Who the hell knows? We’re not psychic. And for the love of Jupiter, no opinions. Your audience won’t even notice because the only opinions they’re interested in is their own. They’ll happily leave these in the comments below which are far more interesting than you are. From their cheating partners to Selena Gomez’s fiancé, vigorous sparring will occur. Sort of like three-year-olds at parallel play. Only they can talk, eat solid food, and visit the porcelain throne all by themselves. Some of them anyway.
Is your content original?
Big mistake. No one wants to hear something new. They want the safe and familiar. Like the filthy blankie they dragged around for years until they finally got a staph infection. The most popular podcasts “borrow” content from people far more creative than you. Find a popular show — celebrity chefs, home improvement gurus, dog rescuers. Comment on whatever they’re doing. If they’re cracking an egg, explain how it’s done. Show yourself in the lower left corner “cracking” egg jokes. Tell them about the time you egged the house next door and blamed it on your best friend who was grounded for a month or the omelet you made your mom on Mother’s Day that sent her to the ER. They’ll eat it up.
Are you telling the truth?
Remember the X-files? The truth is out there? It’s not. The truth has gone the way of the West African Black Rhino. Extinct. And seriously who cares? Lying is fun and easy. No one looks shit up anyway. Remember how much time you spent in your bedroom when you were a kid being punished for lying? Now you can spend time in your room, lie your ass off, collect followers like Pokémon cards, and maybe even make a little cash on the side. The truth may be out there somewhere but Scully and Mulder have given up.
Is there a glaring absence of animals in your vodcast?
A famous actress recently admitted that she hates cats. Big mistake. The way the story exploded, you’d think she announced she slept with a family member or two. Maybe hating cats is worse than bonking your twin brother these days but rescuing an adorable kitten, pig, miniature goat, parrot, baby alligator is next level. You could cuddle a baby opossum in your arms while reading The Color Purple and even MAGA would listen. But the GOAT animal is not even a goat. It’s a dog. Police dogs in particular. If the star of your pod or vod is a K-9 unit Malinois you’ll win a Golden Globe. I’d bet my orange and white tabby on it.
Are you hot or hot adjacent?
We know you’re not hot. If you were hot you’d have followers before you even dropped your first episode. But hot adjacent works, too. Show people so hot they’d blow out a Shure SM7B microphone just by walking into a room. Or source video clips of the thirst trap of the month — someone in Bridgerton or Euphoria. Celebrity scientists are trending now. If you featured a jacked, tattooed neuroscientist with three Harvard PhDs, you’d have more followers than Musk has money.
That’s all we got. Fly little bird. Leave the nest. There’s plenty of room in the blogosphere. But keep up with the ever-changing vibe and don’t let stardom go to your head. Actually, nix that. Become the biggest asshole in the history of the interwebs. Free publicity is 6–7.
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Gail loves a good joke. That’s why she got her MFA in screenwriting. She also writes humor, satire, and depressing stuff but only when Mercury is retrograde. She’s been published in McSweeney’s, The Belladonna Comedy, Weekly Humorist, Jane Austen’s Wastebasket, Little Old Lady Comedy and elsewhere. She lives in L.A.
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