A Day in the Life of a Department of Education Official, According to Donald Trump

“President Trump signed an executive order that he said would “begin eliminating the federal Department of Education once and for all,” although the agency cannot be closed without the approval of Congress.”—The New York Times, March 20, 2025

---

6 a.m.

Wake up. Write in diary: How can I make America less great today?

 

6:15 a.m.

Reread dog-eared sections of The Mayo Clinic Family Health Book. Draft memo mandating its addition to the second-grade curriculum.

 

6:35 a.m.

Throw a spare bible in Bible Fire.

 

6:36 a.m.

Add a few American flags as kindling.

 

7:15 a.m.

Recite affirmations in front of the mirror: “You are woke. You are woker. You are the wokest.”

 

7:30 a.m.

Eat Impossible Burger and rainbow vegetable salad with chopsticks because of “cultural sensitivity.”

 

8:15 a.m.

Start walking to work. Stop a random child en route. Encourage them to transition.

 

9 a.m.

Reach office. Arbitrarily fire a white person in the hallway.

 

9:30 a.m.

Assemble rainbow-colored Ziploc baggies of contraceptives and marijuana to distribute at local schools.

 

10 a.m.

Give baggies to intern. Ask intern why they insist on dating member of the opposite gender.

 

10:03 a.m.

Take 3-hour nap under desk on top of stack of government funds. Put in earbuds to drown out sound of phone ringing with calls from angry parents.

 

1:03 p.m.

Go to Mexico. Bring back an immigrant. Deposit them at a local school.

 

1:45 p.m.

Glare at a charter school.

 

2:00 p.m.

Eat lunch: a medley of tax-payer dollars.

 

2:15 p.m. 

Check in with intern: Are they gay now? If not, fire them.

 

2:45 p.m

Draft pro-teenage-sex education curriculum.

 

3:45 p.m.

Run a stack of school vouchers through a paper shredder.

 

4:30 p.m.

Write memo mandating monthly screenings of But I’m a Cheerleader for all middle school students.

 

5:00 p.m.

Head home. Try to find the child encouraged to transition. Ensure they have followed through.

 

5:45 p.m.

While eating dinner of dreams of unborn children with cats, draft email firing veteran teachers for watching Fox & Friends and replace them with said cats.

 

6:30 p.m.

Fall asleep listening to NPR’s Taking Hard-Earned Money From Rich People.