A Dozen New Oscars So That Your Favorite Wins Something

1. Best Live Action Feature with Talking Infants or Animals


2. Best Picture Starring “The Rock”


3. Best Picture Featuring Marvel Superheroes


4. Least Bad/Disturbing Picture Featuring DC Superheroes


5. Straight to Lifetime Movie Network


6. “Good Effort” Award to Michael Bay’s Project this Year


7. Best Fan-directed Remake of Whatever Disney did to Star Wars this Year


8. Oliver Stone Award for Best Political Documentary/Drama with a Protagonist You Were Once Sure was a Progressive Hero but Who May Have Since Been Compromised by Vladimir Putin


9. The “I’m Not Racist/Sexist, But…” Award to Best Rebooted Franchise where Women, or People of Color Take on Roles Originated by White Men Decades Ago


10. Best Film that Would Have Been Better with Nicholas Cage in the Lead Role


11. Really Great Film If You’re High


12. Best Picture Adapted From Book for Children that You, Adult Filmgoer, Should Not Be Carrying Around in Public