A Millennial Metamorphosis

From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: Me Today

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

SO sorry about this but going to be a little bit late to work today – having a slight medical issue but should be resolved soon. Will hopefully be all good for the 10am meeting but if not I’ll ask Alyssa to take notes for me.

 

Sorry again!

 

Best,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

Subject: RE: Me Today

 

Ok.

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: RE: Me Today

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

Thank you so much for your understanding! I really appreciate it.

 

Warm regards,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

Subject: Slide Deck

 

Did you get a chance to finish it? We need it for the meeting Wednesday.

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: RE: Slide Deck (JPEGS included)

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

My sincerest apologies as I know this must be very frustrating. I do not know when I’ll be able to get it done as this medical issue is taking longer to resolve than I previously imagined. I’m not sure why but I’ve transformed into a giant insect (see pictures attached). I tried sleeping it off but that didn’t seem to work. Rest assured though I am working hard to figure this out so that it doesn’t affect my job performance.

 

I’m getting better at controlling the mobility of all these legs, so I can still dial into the 10am, but I just won’t be using video if that’s okay with you.

 

Again, sorry for the inconvenience!

 

Best wishes,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

Subject: DO NOT DIAL INTO THE 10AM

 

GREGOR – Do not dial into the 10am! Go to the emergency room!

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: RE: DO NOT DIAL INTO THE 10AM

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

Don’t worry about me! I’ll go to Urgent Care once we wrap up the meeting and I finish editing the slide deck so you have it for Wednesday. Truly I’m fine, and I looked online and found a very helpful Reddit thread with lots of great advice. I tried WebMD but they always just say everything is cancer haha.

 

Somewhat related but my voice is a little hoarse, or it’s like, a different octave than normal. Or maybe a different frequency. I tried talking to my sister but she just looked kind of appalled. I don’t think I’ll be able to verbally give my updates on the call but I’m typing up all my notes and will send them to Alyssa so that she can update the teams.

 

Additionally, I know we have a lunch meeting with our new client today. It might be a bit late to note dietary restrictions but do you know if the restaurant we’re going to has just like, rotten food scraps? If not, no worries, I’ll just eat beforehands, but figured I’d ask.

 

Sincerely,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

CC: HR-department@company.com

Subject: GREGOR, LOG OFF.

 

Gregor – I am serious. We’ll have Alyssa go to the client lunch. Also I’m looping in HR for visibility on this issue.

 

 

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From: HR-department@company.com

To: Office Manager

Subject: RE: GREGOR, LOG OFF.

 

Jesus Christ

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: Finished Slide Deck!

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

I hope the 10am went well! I tried to log in but I guess HR told the legal team about my situation so I was fielding a lot of calls and emails about whether I was going to sue the company (which I’m not!).

 

I’ve attached the finished slide deck for approval. Again, so sorry for the delay, I would have finished it earlier but my computer was glitching and every time I tried hitting the “restart” button I accidentally hit six other ones at the same time. Also my dad swatted me with a newspaper (parents, right?). No worries about the lunch, I’ve been having some trouble sitting in chairs anyway so I would have to sit on the floor and I don’t want to get in the way of the waiters.

 

Best,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Alyssa Williams

Subject: Client Info (PDFs attached)

 

Hi Alyssa!!

 

Just passing along a briefing about our upcoming projects for the new client lunch. SO sorry to put all this extra work on your plate since I know you’ve been totally swamped the past few days. Not sure if Office Manager told you but having a bit of a ~personal issue~ today.

 

I’ll Slack you the deets but it definitely beats that time Steve was super hungover after the holiday party last year lol. Let me know if you have any questions!

 

Thank you!

Gregor

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To:  Office Manager

Subject: Doctor’s Appt – December

 

Dear Office Manager,

 

Would it be okay if I were offline at 1:00pm on December 14th? That’s the earliest appointment my doctor had. Also, do you think this would be covered under our company’s health insurance? I’m looking at the list of coverage benefits right now and I can’t seem to find it, but that could be because my eyes are on either side of my head now so reading is proving difficult. And typing. And not running into walls due to issues of depth perception. Anyway, let me know whenever you get a chance!

 

Warmly,

Gregor

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

Subject: I am sending an ambulance to your house

 

Go to the hospital.

 

 

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From: Gregor Samsa

To: Office Manager

Subject: RE: I am sending an ambulance to your house

 

Thank you! I appreciate your concern and again, so sorry for all the trouble this is causing. I hate to be offline for such a long time since I know it’s busy, so I can still be on my mobile in the hospital and you can feel free to text or call if anything urgent comes up. I might not be able to pick up right away because those touch screens are difficult when you don’t have fingers, but I can gather the phone up in my spindly arms and hurl it against a piece of furniture which sometimes does the trick.

 

Feel free to text though! Or email if that’s easier! Whatever works best for you!

 

Sincerest apologies again,

Gregorfsdlkfffnn…..,,,,sorry the paramedics are trying to take away my phone and I can’t get to the backspace key, happy to work overtime to make up for the lost hours today!

 

 

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From: Office Manager

To: Gregor Samsa

Subject: RE: Finished Slide Deck!

 

Just looked this over – whenever you’re done at the hospital, if you could make the graphics on slide 7 a little bigger that would be great.

 

Also don’t forget to submit your expenses by Thursday. Accounting said they need it by that deadline, no exceptions, even for…your situation.

 

Thanks.