What a year. So many twists and turns, not to mention all the days away from the office. Wow! But, thankfully, things are finally starting to turn around. You’ve probably noticed that most places are opening back up. Well so are we, which is to say you. That’s right, you’re going back to the office.
Everything has been working so smoothly from home that it only made sense to put an end to all that and bring folks back in.
It’s totally safe to return, that’s why we’re sending back one of our smallest and most junior departments, rather than everyone. Having more people would be too safe.
Though we know the office is 100% habitable, we’ve made a few adjustments to ensure everyone stays happy and healthy.
Upon entry to the building, masks must be worn. Though, once you’re seated feel free to remove your mask, but try to exhale as infrequently as your lungs will allow. If you do remove your mask, make sure to keep it tucked away and off of your workspace. A tidy office is a happy office!
Additionally, masks should be worn on trips to the bathroom and in between bites in the kitchen. But, they can be removed once you reach your destination or if you get a phone call or need to yawn.
Speaking of the bathroom, we’ve covered everything with saran wrap to make surfaces easier to clean/splashproof. You’re welcome.
Because we don’t want too many busybodies clogging up the restroom, each workstation has been equipped with a buzzer that’s linked to a giant bell we installed in the bathroom on our floor. When you have to go, simply push your buzzer and the bell will start to bang, alerting the occupant that it’s time to wrap things up. Easy-peasy.
Now here’s the exciting part, to maximize airflow we removed all the windows! Hello, fresh air! To keep up with our new climate, we recommend that everyone bring three to six outfits so you’re ready for whatever the weather throws at you. And we know what you’re thinking, but most birds can’t fly this high so don’t even worry about it.
To combat the wind, we’ll be sending each of you a kettlebell to keep in your lap while you’re working. You should receive yours in the next couple of days. Be sure to bring it with you your first day back–the wind up there can change in an instant.
Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen each other in person, we thought it’d be fun if we all did nametags. You’ll get one to use throughout the year, so make sure you take care of it. Please write your name, blood type, and emergency contact information on it. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your design!
Fun alert: if we have no confirmed cases after six weeks we’ll have a party with chips and queso! One bubbling bowl of queso and a couple trays of chips. Yum!
On a serious note, moving forward, please be mindful of our office hours. Those have not changed. Work starts promptly when you sign in at your station and ends when the emails stop. We ask that you give at least 1 Q’s notice ahead of any doctor’s visits or emergencies that might pop up.
We’re excited for you to go back!
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Brett Miller is a writer living in Brooklyn where he lives and writes.