To Whom It May Concern:
It is with great admiration that I am writing regarding the receptionist opportunity at your company. Your company’s commitment to whatever it is that you do aligns with me and my career aspirations. If considered for the position, I am certain that I will not be doing my dream job. In fact, I am aware that my dream job—personal assistant to Barbra Streisand—is completely out of the realm of possibility, even if I am super patient. To be completely honest with you, the idea of making money is very exciting to me. Allow me to put things into perspective for you. Last night I had a glass of water and an episode of The Sopranos for dinner. Am I painting a clear enough picture for you, employer? I need this job…I need it bad!
As a recent graduate of an extremely expensive university, I am constantly grappling with the fact that everyone I’ve ever been romantically involved with is smarter than me and employed. In college, I had a lot of fun. I also had fun at the various internships I did. I would list them, but I’m sure I’ve already lost ya! At those internships I was known as the girl who would make people laugh at lunch, which was sort of huge for my self-esteem. Like, one day after work I treated myself to a cookie because I was so proud of myself for being a silly woman. While I made a lot of mistakes at those internships, such as accidentally emailing an entire company that Annette Bening has yet to receive her flowers, I am prepared to turn over a new leaf. If given directions I will try my best to follow them, even if the task reminds me of how my great grandmother traveled on a crowded ship to America without any money or a plan just for me to learn Landslide on a guitar in my childhood bedroom. She was so hungry when she arrived at Ellis Island that she ate snow off the ground. And what did I do to honor her? Get a film degree.
For a while I was looking to expand my understanding of the industry and gain the experience necessary for successfully catapulting myself into the bustling world of comedy writing, but now I just want to be able to afford HBO Max and a family-sized box of Cheez-Its. With the production experience that I gained in college, and mastered through my various internships, I am confident that this job where I don’t do production stuff and instead answer phones for people who are much more important than me, will not send me into a depression spiral. Like, sure, on paper it seems like it would make me a little sad, but I’ll try not to let it get to my head!
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you, but also no pressure if not. But also, like, I need this so give me a chance. I want to be able to tell people that I can afford rent at Christmas dinner. I have to give my grandma a reason to brag about me on Facebook. My brother has gotten the spotlight for too long.
Your Future Employee (too needy?)
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Sophia Stio is a comedy writer and performer based in New York. She knows more about Reba McEntire than the average individual and recently got a bad haircut.