Best of 2022
All the New Rules in Major League Baseball
Major League Baseball team owners and players ended a standoff that threatened to derail the 2022 season. As part of the agreement reached, several new rules will go into effect soon, including a pitch clock and “banning the shift.” Here’s a primer on of all the changes.
Pitch clock. Pitchers get five seconds from the time the catcher throws them the ball to when they have to toss it again. If they fail to make the pitch within that five-second limit, they have to throw two balls simultaneously on the next throw.
Bigger bases. The bases will be bigger. Like way bigger. First base will be the size of a queen-size mattress, second base will be the size of a king-size mattress, and third base is a California king-size mattress made entirely of marshmallows.
Banning the shift. Reversing a recent trend, infield players will no longer be allowed to run off the field, into the dugout, and place a their timecard into an old-fashioned punch clock and squawk, “Brap! It’s a living!” like a working bird on The Flintstones.
Universal DH. The National League will adopt the designated hitter rule while the American League will expand it so that every player, umpire, coach, spectator, and hot dog vendor is now a designated hitter.
The “Ball Two” rule. When the umpire calls “ball two,” the batter and catcher are required to chuckle, high five, and point to their testicles.
Fair warning rule. Before every tossed ball, pitchers have to say, “Here it comes!”
Finders keepers rule. Whoever catches the ball gets to keep it, as well as the lost pirate treasure hidden inside.
Catcher distinction. Taking a cue from beloved, family-friendly baseball movies, the catcher on every team has to be an overweight kid who is always eating.
Naming regulations. Taking a cue from the exciting and pure baseball of Little League, all 30 MLB teams will be renamed the Wildcats.
Baseline obstacle accounting. Beehives will be played about every four feet along both the first and third baselines, and the bees will be angry.
Number agreement. The numerical designation of positions will determine how many players are working the position. For example, there will be one first baseman, two second basemen, and three third basemen.
Base agreement. The league will agree on universal definitions of what each “base” means in the realm of burgeoning sexual experimentation. First base means making out, second base is feeling up, third is hand stuff, home is “all the way.” This is now standard.
Better pacing, more excitement. In order to make the game more interesting, baseball will be played indoors, in a gymnasium, and points will be scored by shooting a large, orange, bouncy baseball into a hoop on a backboard.
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Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.
