Auntie Anne’s Starts an OnlyFans

To Our Valued Customers,

 

2020 has been a tough year for businesses across the country, and Auntie Anne’s is no exception. In the past year, malls have transformed from bustling centers of commerce, to disease ridden, superspreading wastelands. Unfortunately, our storefronts are almost exclusively located next to Footlockers, leaving them incapable of withstanding a pandemic. But fear not, as we have made a serious pivot! Beginning effective immediately, we will be offering our very own Auntie Anne’s OnlyFans! Starting at just $10.00 a month, you can enjoy scandalous pretzel pics that will leave you feeling hard on the outside, and warm and fluffy on the inside. We know what you’re thinking: “Do you really want to be doing this, Auntie Anne’s?” The answer is most certainly no– it’s unbelievably embarrassing! However, a raging pandemic and economic crisis has forced our doughy hand.

 

Please peruse our subscription tiers below:

 

Tier 1 – Snack Me Off – $10.00/month

This entry-level subscription will give you full access to the photo catalogue of our powdered, glazed, and salt-studded talent. Enjoy the long, seductive curves, and girthy pretzel twists that you’ve grown to miss so deeply. Gaze lustfully at our house-made lemonade dripping wet over a mound of long, steaming pretzel dogs. Uh oh, silly us– it looks like our sweet-cream glaze is oozing all over again. But don’t get full, because it doesn’t stop there. If you buy-in now, you’ll gain access to our newest, sexiest photo-set “The Pretzel Orgy” (these are just photos of pretzels in a big pile). Before you know it, you’ll find yourself posing the question: “Am I really masturbating to pretzels right now?” Judging by how your year is going, the answer is yes!

 

Tier 2 – Dough Jobs – $25.00/month 

Still-photos not getting the job done? We didn’t think so. In our second tier, Auntie Anne’s customers can enjoy risqué videos beyond their wildest imaginations. Unfortunately, pretzels are incapable of moving as they are inanimate pieces of food. In order to solve this issue, every Auntie Anne’s employee has been re-hired to puppeteer our menu items in highly inappropriate, pornographic scenes. They couldn’t be less thrilled! Ever wondered what a ménage-à-trois between a cinnamon-sugar, jalapeño, and parmesan pretzel nugget looks like? Want to see our pizza pretzel rub its thick, juicy pepperonis? Well, your troubling sexual desires can finally be put to rest by our demoralized staff.

 

Tier 3 – Pretzel Dog(gy Style) – $150.00/month

For our especially dirty customers, impersonal photos and videos aren’t going to cut it. In our final tier, you can experience a live video chat with a pre-selected menu item for up to one full hour. Since pretzels can’t talk dirty (yet), another one of our exhausted employees will be speaking on behalf of the pretzel. In order to maximize the experience, we have trained each staff member with a professional speech coach, teaching them over 30 accents from around the world! Transform that jalapeño pretzel into a full cultural experience with a Spanish accent. Imagine our caramel dip, elevated with a southern twang, saying: “My sticky goodness is plastered from wall to wall.” Don’t get too carried away though! In a mild effort to prevent harassment, three to five extra employees will be present in each video call to watch your every move. We understand that five disgusted faces staring at you could ruin the experience, so for only $15.00 extra dollars a session, they will force a smile.

 

Although these changes are quite dramatic, we’ve sadly been given few other options. Throughout the years, you have always been there for Auntie Anne’s by randomly deciding that you want to eat a pretzel outside of a Spencer’s Gifts. Now, we hope you will continue that loyalty by doing an incredibly gross, unspeakable act for a monthly fee. Of course, this is just the beginning. Coming this 2021, we will be launching our very own streaming service, Auntie Anne’s Max, with our new original show, The Marvelous Mrs. Pretzel. We pray that life will quickly return to normalcy, in which our customers will feel guilty about eating our food, rather than lusting over it. Until then, you know where to find us ;).

 

Sincerely,

Auntie Anne’s.