Trump’s Itinerary For The Day Of Biden’s Inauguration

11: AM: Search Presidential Sauna for soap-bar containing Biden hairs, for use in potential voodoo doll.

12:30 PM: Check out PornHub in hopes that the Capital insurrection videos have finally been uploaded.

1:30 PM: Call Satan, see if the election loss and second impeachment means that I can get a refund on the whole selling-my-soul thing.

2:00 PM: Make-up needs applying, but the make-up people quit last week; attempt to determine which is make-up, and which is opened containers of buffalo sauce.

3:00 PM: Encourage an insurrection at the Hustler Store, in the confusion grab as many free butt-plugs as I can.

4:00 PM: In need of a friendly voice, use Ouija board to contact Jeffrey Epstein; get in argument over which Powerpuff Girl is hotter.

5:30 PM: Look into whether or not the Make A Wish deal applies to people who are probably just about to be killed by the Mob.

6:30 PM: Rather than pardons, begin paperwork by which the kids can all change their last name to something other than Trump.