The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy Tale Reboots For Adults – [Book Excerpt]


People say we went walking together-

Papa, Baby and I, in nice weather-

as we waited for porridge to cool.

Point of fact? I took Baby to school,

breakfast long since consumed. It was Monday,

also known as my weekly have-fun-day

with Rapunzel and Cindy and Snow:

we go shopping and take in a show,

then grab tacos or maybe some blintzes.

But they all had gone out with the princes.


I slumped home to find sirloin remains

and two napkins with cabernet stains

side by side on the dining room table,

Evil Stepmoms Gone Wild paused on Cable.

Lingerie trailed upstairs and beyond.

On my pillow: six hairs. Curly, blonde.


Where was Papa? Some creaks on the landing,

then my husband was suddenly standing

by the bed. A back window slammed shut

as he babbled, “You’ll never guess what!

Chased a burglar away! Things got gory!”

Even Disney’s not buying that story.












Folks, don’t be fooled by all the phony buzz:

I’m no one’s puppet, and I never was.

I didn’t torture an endangered whale.

At Pleasure Island, I did not inhale.


You say you’ve seen the footage? It’s all wonky-

I’m solid GOP, no hint of donkey.

My only kind of “circus”? Media.

(Ignore those pics on Wikipedia.)


And what about the rumor-so damn nasty!-

that constant lying led to rhinoplasty

at some chic clinic north of Bimini?

A smear by my opponent, Jiminy.












Things started so well: found a chick in a box,

got her out, and days later, we wed-

such a snap because, speaking of life’s pleasant shocks,

my stepmom-in-law turned up dead.


Home that night, after finally fooling around

(happy endings for both!), I sighed, “Heaven.”

But my wife simply stared at the ceiling and frowned:

“Is that it? I’m accustomed to seven.”





Illustrated by Ron Barrett





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