Some of you call us panic salesmen but still demand unfettered access to terror-inducing forecasts in 15-minute increments. All we know is that keeping up with the extreme weather flavor for the week can really mean the difference between life and death in this anthropogenic apocalyptic shitscape.
Instead of tying up health providers with your selfish medical dilemmas, have you tried typing your symptoms into WebMD and begging your loving God for mercy? Prayers don’t cost anything. Maybe try praying more and leave those doctors and nurses alone. They’re way too busy trying to navigate our labyrinthine reimbursement policies.
Ah, summer. The lazy days, the warm breezes, the crushed testicles. There’s nothing quite like unwinding after a long day in a swimming pool with that mellow, full body tingle you can only get from having your gonads savagely wrecked by a careless child’s flailing legs.
IDAHO POTATO: I’m Distressed About Housing Options and Priced Out of Tons of “Affordable Town” Opportunities
Are you getting another call right now? That’s me, hitting you up on Microsoft Teams. If we talk on Teams and the phone at the same time, we can do a post-mortem on this follow-up call while I prioritize the tasks for the email I’ll send you later that we’re following up on now. That way we won’t have to circle back later and rehash things we haven’t talked about yet.
Follow your nose down the trail of Axe Body Spray and boom, that’s your mark. Lead him to your magic disappearing box and have him confirm the box is solid with no secret escape panel. The purple smoke that billows out as he climbs in is actually a general anaesthetic. Spin the box around three times and open it to show he’s gone. He’ll wake up in a clinic waiting room with a 3pm vaccination appointment. Voilà!
Quiet (It’s Nap Time) Riot, Insane Clown Pacifier, Guns N’ Roses N’ Button Noses, and more!
‘When Peter Gabriel left the band Genesis, why didn’t they change their name to Exodus?’ Good one! That has potential niche value, bridging the gap between fans of Genesis’s early prog years and people who are at least vaguely familiar with the first few books of the bible (or the Pentateuch, depending on their religion). You may have an original joke on your hands. But for a little peace of mind, let our state of the art machine learning assistant double check that for you. The Giggle search engine has returned just one result:
Remember that time you tried to talk to Angie Driscoll when she was drinking from the water fountain and she choked because you startled her and her friends whisked her away and you just stood there staring at your pants? That’s why your parents got divorced.
Do the right thing and give a little back after we’ve given you so much. To start saving Pins again, click the reactivation link below and we’ll call off the windowless van that’s about to pull into your driveway.
Mahalo, friends. Does the current political climate have you feeling like you’re wasting away in broken flip flops, looking for a salt shaker? Or something like that? Sorry, I honestly have no idea how that song goes. Know what? Doesn’t really matter, man, ‘cause I’m just here for the vibes. Didn’t Jimmy Buffett say […]
