You’ll never believe what my genius dog did yesterday! He came across a huge mess in our house and immediately devised a way to clean it up, all by himself. I’m so impressed that he quickly found a solution to a problem that could have really inconvenienced our whole household. The only way I could be prouder of him is if he wasn’t the one who made the mess in the first place.
Why am I, a private citizen, recommending federal personnel actions on social media? How am I literally running the entire government right now? The answer to all of those questions is that hundreds of elected officials are just straight up letting me. I honestly did not think it would be this easy.
Let’s Just Say We Ended Racism
Resume Racism
Choose Whiteness, and more!
10:15am: Show up early to inauguration venue and realize he forgot ID. Go back to get it because no one recognizes him.
O Horny Night, You’re a Mean One, Mr. Hinge, Sad Old Broad is Coming to Town, I Want a Hypnotherapist For Christmas, and many more!
Joyless Dud, Jinxed Decision, Jingoistic Dumbass, and more!
The glasses-wearing community thanks him. I’m excited to watch him continue to crush the competition. I love his cat. And more!
Asymmetrical. His friends will FAWN over this fashionable flop-top! And more in this list by Meg Reid illustrated by Katy Maiolatesi.
Lady Liberty Labia Lance, Beaver Balance Beam, USA FUPA Finder, and more!
So yeah, we are all doing really well. What is less indicative of trauma than collectively regressing to an almost childlike state to desperately seek solace in that which comforted us in our youth? As for me personally, I’ll be even better as soon as Bert and Ernie answer the 117 posts I’ve made since yesterday begging them to adopt me as an adult…
Denying it just makes it worse. It’s happening much faster than you thought it would. Air conditioning is only a temporary solution. And more!
Age 16: Lost virginity to high school girlfriend Jane Doe, a real girl who went to my high school but has since changed her last name, her first name, and all distinguishing physical characteristics so no one can ever look her up.
But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.
The clear solution is to simply replace contentious laws regulating uteruses with a sure to be less contentious national law that regulates reproductive organs that can’t get pregnant: penises. I can’t believe a Congress that is three-quarters men hasn’t considered this yet!
Don’t worry, I’m ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average.