“I don’t remember those little black specks being there yesterday.” Filter Time: 1–8 Weeks Comments: If we’re being honest, we’re not sure what those black specks are either, but the water still tastes generally the same. Should I change it?: Meh? We’re pretty sure* that they’re minerals and not harmful if consumed. *Legally we must advise you not to consume the specks.
James Corden: Welcome everybody! It’s hard to believe that we are a whole year out from the insurrection that everybody couldn’t stop talking about, but here we are! Thanks to our sponsor, Smartwater! Whether you think Antifa staged the Capitol riots or you know Trump supporters did, Smartwater thinks you’re smart!
Remove: The Caterers You’ve Hired: Tell them they won’t be needed, or welcome. Your Nonna said she would take care of all the food and that a family meal would be her wedding gift. She’ll unfortunately be stirring the gravy during your ceremony, so you’ll have to get married again at a later date for her to watch. Maybe the second time can be in a church instead of on some bucolic estate?
Sometimes you just have to get away, and what place is more away than space? You all turn your phones on airplane mode every now and then; well, I need to travel to space every now and then and unplug. And now that I’ve referenced it, let me address the dirty rumor upfront: when I say unplug I don’t mean get out of reach of all Amazon Alexa technologies because a recent bug in a software update is about to trigger the Amazon Alexa Apocalypse.
A woman’s purse? Sure. A manly mustache? Absolutely. But replacing those items with a gender neutral bag and bright smile of a nondiscriminant sex? Not on my watch! Or Mr. Potato Head’s watch either, as that is an accessory yet to be provided by the Hasbro Company to the Potato Heads.
John F. Kennedy: Seinfeld-type Comic: Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what’s the deal with the Bay of Pigs?
I know that many of you have been severely worried about what has been happening in your home, the commercial starship Nostromo. With the recent and prolonged attack from the alien that popped out of Kane, we know there is a real sense of worry about becoming impregnated and/or mutilated by said alien. Which is why we are messaging you today to update you on the state of the Nostromo and relieve some of those misguided fears.
Mark’s plan went perfectly, but what would have happened if Peter had answered the door? We now know the answer thanks to this deleted scene, released in celebration of the 17th anniversary of the film. This alternate scene shows that Mark actually had a backup plan in case this very scenario occurred.
Hey there, new neighbor! Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the roaring blaze destroying my home. Have I decided if I should call the fire department or not? No, I haven’t, not yet at least. I still need more time. What am I waiting for? I’m not sure if they’ll make the state of my home any better. Yes, we’ve been running out of air and visibility for awhile now, but isn’t the fire department just as bad?
Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory.
Philadelphia: Knowing that they are scientifically unable to spread the virus, all the players from the Philadelphia Eagles will be replaced by actual eagles.
The Great White, Bull, and Hammerhead Sharks were among the first to opt out of this year’s Shark Week. The Megaladon has insisted that they’re still comfortable in their 3.6 million year retirement and will not return to help out The Discovery Channel and we support their decision. Minor League Shark Week, which consists solely of Whale Shark programming, has been outright cancelled.