Fellow kingdom peons, I bring terrible word through our diseased and cursed land. Our great and majestic leaders have been afflicted with the dreaded black death!
Doth not be’est afraid, as our king hast toldeth us many times throughout these horrific days this virus is nothing to worry about. I have been told to proclaim to you all that he shall soon defeat this wretched thing with his cunning business skills. Doth thou not remember how he gained foothold of many tracts of land thanks to his skills and use of divined domain?
Doth not fear, for the King and Queen have the finest apothecaries to aid them in their quest to defeat the evil corona. Whereas us townsfolk only discover the disease after it hast mostly killed us and may only rub mud to defeat it. Isn’t our King great to give us such a bountiful supply of mud to rubbins?
Doth not tremble in cowardliness! Though many of us have fallen from these maladies and the King hast told us to do nothing to prevent the maladies from ravaging many of us, there is no reason to believe his wisdom won’t lead him to victory. The King also decrees that the jousting tournaments must continue and that the noble house Big-on-Ten must return to the tournament post haste.
Doth not namby-pamby! Once the King hast defeated this virus he will return to his kingly duties of slaying 18 dragons at once while visiting Mar-On-Lago. He shall brandish his trusty Excalibur once more while riding his noble steed E-Z-Go! Whilst he is away the Queen will continue decorating Camelot for the rejoicement of Christ’s birth. A task for which she hast great affection.
Doth not have the bravery of a common chicken! The heirs to the throne have not been stricken by this vile disease. Should our King and Queen fall, most unlikely, Princess Ivanka is quarantining in a tower guarded by a dragon. Prince Barron is surrounded by a moat with crocodiles who will eat the virus should it come near him. Princes Donald the II and Eric the I and Hopefully Last have been told to continue their royal duties, which consist mostly of accusing Princess Tiffany the Forgotten of being a witch. Princess Tiffany hast still not delivered any evidence that she not be a witch.
Doth not quiver like the common swallow! The King expects you to fulfill your common folk duties and still venture to the town square to kick the usurper Anthony Fauci for as long as he remains in the pillory. His deceitful followers will remain in various towers and dungeons so as not to spread false rumors about this scourge of our land that hast only blown in from the left and China. The king also commands that you hurl mud, not the healing mud, the dirty mud, at Anthony Fauci and boo him with no mercy whenever you traipse on by the pillory. What a fine pillory it is too, which was paid for by France and not out of the King’s mud tax on you all.
Doth not shake like a leaf! Finally, the King wants it be known that any person who turns in a witch, who most surely brought about the left-wardly winds that brought this disease home will be given a red livery embroidered in gold-leaf with the king’s promise to MAGA, Make Anglo-Saxons Grand Again. This includes Princess Tiffany the Forgotten whose whereabouts the royal leaders cannot recall.
This year, 1320 hast been a most dreaded and foul beast.
Michael Leonetti is a humor writer in Philadelphia who is hell bent on making you think he is as funny as he thinks he is. His writing can be seen at Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and more. Follow him on Twitter @MLeonetti89