“Mr. Newsom has repeatedly said that the state’s reopening would be guided by transparent data. But The Associated Press reported that Mr. Newsom’s administration has refused to disclose key figures.”
TRANSMISSION FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE WEYLAND-YUTANI CORPORATION, GAVIN NEWSOME, TO THE CREW OF THE NOSTROMO
I know that many of you have been severely worried about what has been happening in your home, the commercial starship Nostromo. With the recent and prolonged attack from the alien that popped out of Kane, we know there is a real sense of worry about becoming impregnated and/or mutilated by said alien. Which is why we are messaging you today to update you on the state of the Nostromo and relieve some of those misguided fears.
Even though the chestburster has shown no signs of slowing down its deadly movements throughout the ship, I am happy to announce that the Nostromo is no longer under quarantine protocols! We were made aware that Lieutenant Ellen Ripley strongly objected to this decision, and while we respect her beliefs, we of course must defer to our noble Science Officer, Ash Notarobot.
Science Officer Ash Notarobot has assured us that reopening the Nostromo is the right thing to do and that he will see to it that no harm comes to anyone thanks to his machine-like attention to details and seemingly mechanical strength. Ash has the company’s, and therefore your, best interest at his most definitely non-synthetic and very real heart.
This is great news! It means you can all go back to working in the rain-room and eating in the mess-hall and not worry about falling-victim to the Xenomorph that killed Brett and Kane in those very same places. In-fact we encourage you to eat in groups in the mess-hall. Won’t it be fun to eat and laugh in that room again?
Ash informed us that The Nostromo saw a precipitous drop in crew-deaths once we isolated the life-form and had lost most of the crew. We believe that you remaining Nostromians can continue this drop in deaths by staying out of the way of the hostile alien. We recommend you comply with Ash’s directive to maintain at least a distance of six feet from the alien so you have a chance of leaping out of the way of its seven foot spear-like tail.
Let me quickly dispel the vicious rumor going about that I’m only lifting quarantine protocols “based on business considerations” and “the company wanting to study the alien for our weapons division,” it’s a lie and complete nonsense.
According to an unnamed and totally human source on board the Nostromo, we were informed that Lt. Ripley spread this rumor by informing crew members about a “Special Order #937,” which she defined as:
Science Officer Eyes Only
Priority one: insure return of organism for analysis
All other considerations secondary.
I’ll be perfectly clear, there has never been a Special Order #937. Which brings me to my next point, I am pleased to announce Special Order #938 which goes into effect immediately!
Priority One: insure return of good times and fun for all!
All work considerations secondary.
I made a promise to all of you, that the company would be very transparent when lifting quarantine protocols. This is why, unlike Special Order #937, which doesn’t exist, I am removing all clearance levels prohibiting crew members from viewing the data that guided us to our decision to end quarantine protocols. Unfortunately, we couldn’t send that information in this message, so you’ll have to wait to see it until the Nostromo makes its way back to Earth.
Regarding the much talked about Alien-vaccine, it’s true, we have removed the crew of the Nostromo from the priority list. The way we figure it, you all are used to dealing with the alien after fighting it for so long that we should give priority to others. This is why the entire Weyland-Yutani Board of Directors will be vaccinated by the time you receive this message.
Finally, please do not pay attention to any of the new variants of the alien popping up, we do not believe that the Dog-alien, Alien Queen, or the Predator-Alien hybrid, affectionately known as the Predalien, pose any more danger than the regular remorseless-killing-machine you’re all used to.
So relax and sleep like a baby in hyper-sleep knowing we’re only looking out for you!
END OF TRANSMISSION
Michael Leonetti is a humor writer in Philadelphia who is hell bent on making you think he is as funny as he thinks he is. His writing can be seen at Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and more. Follow him on Twitter @MLeonetti89