California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter

WARNING:

This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump. While perusing hilarious hot takes from comedians about those selfsame world events is shown to provide a shining sliver of relief, all users ultimately succumb to an infinity scroll of the app that will melt your brain into goo as it searches for a state of satiation it will never reach, in addition to enigmatic posts by Cher that are just 240 different emojis.

 

Instagram

WARNING:

This app contains elements known to the state of California to inspire jealous fits of rage over seeing pictures of your ex being happy with someone else, saccharine moments of joy from viewing adorable celebrity puppies that have a net worth in excess of $3 million, and carpal tunnel from instinctually liking every single post just to put a little love into the cold universe. This app is also known to result in frequent facepalming, as feeds can fluctuate into a shoddy collection of memes and screenshots of bad tweets. Pictures of old college classmates who married at 24 and now live seemingly rich lives filled with world travel, love, God, and children who will take care of them when they’re old will provide you with a smug sense of satisfaction that you are much better off being single while pursuing your dream career that pays you nothing.

 

Snapchat

WARNING:

This app contains features known to the state of California to inspire users to dramatically seesaw between sending loved ones short videos using goofy face-tracking filters and sending pictures of your genitals to (potential) sexual partners, regardless of whether or not you are in a defined relationship, or even know them. The distinctive story attribute on the app routinely encourages users to document their life in piecemeal form in an attempt to seem ‘fun’, ‘busy’, and ‘living my best life’, but the act of using your phone to record these life moments makes them fall far short of their potential, as users end up stressed out from focusing on curating a perfect morsel of content than they are actually enjoying the simple act of being present in the moment, even if that moment is being bored at a family dinner. The inverse is true for dick pics, which are almost always bad no matter what.

 

Tinder

WARNING:

This app contains elements that are known to the state of California to incentivize users to create public profiles whose primary function is to entice a stranger to engage in sexual, no-strings-attached liaisons, and whose secondary function is dating. Profiles routinely contain, at best, one clear photo from a year ago and, at worst, group photos with no common thread that make it impossible to determine to whom the profile belongs. User bios often consist of either zero information, a solitary quote from a Will Ferrell/Judd Apatow movie, or a few bullet points of likes/dislikes sandwiched between a pithy, ironic statement that distances yourself from the selfsame people with which you wish to fornicate, implying you are irreverent and, therefore, attractive. Consequences of frequent use include having a delightful, banter-filled conversation with a match for a few days and then being ghosted, going on two dates with a match and then being ghosted, or sleeping with a match and then being ghosted. Studies have shown that using Tinder occasionally results in a stable, healthy, long-term relationship based on mutual admiration and respect, and then being ghosted.

 

Facebook

WARNING:

This app contains elements known to the state of California to cause cancer.