If You Hire Me to Be Your Social Media Manager, I Guarantee I Will Decrease Your Online Presence

I don’t work for influencers, or brands, or really anyone who wants more social media followers. I work for the common scroller who realized one day that the internet would be a vastly better place if Aunt Jean stopped commenting “looks like you’ve been eating well” on your vacation pictures. 

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

An Influencer Reviews the Cardiologist

Keep in mind, this place is as exclusive as Soho House when it was cool, so forget about a walk-in. You’ll schedule with the office concierge, and it may take months to get off the waitlist. Don’t forget to have your GP vouch for you! They won’t let just anyone seek treatment.

Ridiculous Questions I Have About the New Social Media App Threads

Is this FINALLY a home for my hilarious cat videos? Will it be as butt-centric as Instagram? (Can it be?) And more!

More Musk For Your Buck! Elon Musk's Planned Twitter Changes...

A special audio notification for all Twitter Platinum members, which goes off only in the event that my army of cyborg assassins is unleashed upon the unwashed masses, and allows you plenty of time to get settled into your spacious and luxurious underground bunker.

CARTOON: Pet Influencer

Lick for likes. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

National Park Safety Rules for Gen-Z

Record Tik Tok Dances Only at our Designated Locations: While we are grateful of our youths eagerness to publicize (for free) the beauty of mountains, prairies and oceans - please be advised that doing so near a cliff and/or water feature may result in injury and more importantly, the loss of postable content. Feel free to take photos and videos where you wish, but limit dancing and to our marked TikTok friendly zones located throughout each of our parks.

Rejected Names For Trump's New Social Media Site 'GETTR'


CARTOON: Instagrim

Pics or it didn't happen. Today's cartoon by Dave Whamond.

What I Imagine Happens When Your Tweet Goes Viral

Dogs ask to be adopted specifically by you, You can discuss politics at family parties, and no one will argue with you, and more!

CARTOON: Why I Liked Your Tweet: An Infographic

Fat Fingers, Pity, and more.

I Am A Trendy Article and I Will Make You Feel Called Out By Any Means Necessary

It’s not an algorithm showing you relevant content that fits your lifestyle and “brand” (I know you call it a “brand”). It’s me, the article, watching you every moment of your life so I may better make you feel understood. I am like a totally chill and funny hunter and you are my prey. So yes, you are being “personally attacked”. By me!

The Social Media Intern’s Deleted Tweet Drafts

Hey Google: Is it legal to sell my company’s couch and keep the money? Damnit, Google, no! Don’t tweet that!

California Proposition 65 Warnings for Social Media Apps

Twitter WARNING: This app contains chemicals known to the state of California to cause users to only follow those who share your same worldview, a lot of comedians, and Cher. Frequent use of Twitter often results in a delightfully pleasant-sounding echo chamber that is regularly contrasted by feelings of boiling anger caused after reading news reports detailing the horrors that perpetually occur throughout the planet, topped off with what Cher thinks about Donald Trump.


Make Americano Great Again, Coffee: Because anger management is too expensive. And more #CoffeeSlogans

My Digital Cleanse Starts Today

Am I nervous about adjusting to non-digital life? Sure. How do people know if someone has been brave if not with the hashtag #brave? How will I know if someone is talking to me if they don’t tag my handle in their reply? I’m hoping to find answers during my cleanse.

CARTOON: Modern Legacy

It's what she would have #wanted. Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Sacrificing My Son Has Made Me Into An Instagram Star!

After giving birth to Tucker I was filled with an unbridled,…

Reasons Why I Imagine You Didn’t “Like” My Post

You didn’t see it. You like to space out your “likes,”…