Celebrate Your Personal Birthday Purge At Applebees!
This year Congress failed to pass a Universal Purge which would have enabled Americans to commit crimes without fear of prosecution. Upset over Congress’ inaction, the President signed an executive order, stating laws did not apply as long as the crime was committed on the suspect’s birthday. As we thank the president for the gift of a personal birthday purge, we invite you to spend yours at Applebees!
Start the night right with one of our delicious Dollaritas!
When you kick down the door of your local Applebees, looking to have a good time, why not start with a round of cheap alcohol for the whole table?! Flash your ID at the waiter as you put a gun to their head and demand drinks for the table. Once they confirm it’s your birthday they’ll fearfully do whatever you say, while recommending one of our delicious entree specials.
Commit a crime free of consequence and enjoy a free appetizer!
Whether you’ve come to break our windows, empty our cash registers or steal another patron’s car, we are happy to provide you with one of our signature appetizers, compliments of the chef. What could be better than having the opportunity to legally decapitate the man at the table next to you while enjoying some free cheeseburger eggrolls or tasty mozzarella sticks? Don’t forget to wash down that bloodlust with a fresh Dollarita!
Cooked to perfection.
While cannibalism may be a crime, there’s nothing in the books against cooking a body. Perhaps you prefer to spend your birthday purge consuming the rare delicacy that is human flesh. At Applebees, you commit the murder and our chefs cook the corpse to perfection. They’ll treat the body with the same respect they show our USDA Choice Steaks or less respect at the request of birthday purger. You could even cook and eat the chef yourself; who are we to stop you? It’s your Purgeday!
A birthday treat!
What would you like? An entire cake set ablaze using the military-grade flamethrower a civilian can acquire only during their personal birthday purge? Maybe you’d like a pie or your favorite dessert from Cheesecake Factory. We guarantee that by the end of your meal, our staff will be so frightened by your very presence that the survivors will be eager to get you whatever desert you like, free of charge! We’ll even give you one last Dollarita for the road to keep that feeling of unshakable guilt out of your system for another 24 hours.
Come on down to Applebees and celebrate your birthday purge with us, whether we’re open or not! If your local Applebees has already been burnt to the ground, be sure to visit our website for an up-to-date listing of our remaining locations. Please, put us out of our misery.
Kevin Cole is a comedy writer and satirist working out of Frederick, MD. He is the founder of The Annual, a different comedy website and most recently wrote the play Great Again which was performed at the Maryland Ensemble Theatre before it was plagiarized by reality. You can find his tweets @KevinDotCole.