Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend

Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.

Disinfecting my dogs’ nipple piercings.

Perfecting my online Xanadu fan-site.

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard.

Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill.

Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection.

Delousing my roommate’s loofah.

Tripping the lights fantastic.

Treating the swollen tick bites of the Jehovah’s Witnesses locked in the basement.

Liberally apply Febreze to Grampa’s sex swing.

by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence