Chores That I Absolutely Won’t Get To This Weekend

Freshening up the Velveeta cheese by hosing it off in the driveway.

Disinfecting my dogs’ nipple piercings.

Perfecting my online Xanadu fan-site.

Shaking the loose toenails off of the hammock in the backyard.

Taking all of those vhs porn tapes to the Goodwill.

Applying WD40 to the zippers of my parachute pants collection.

Delousing my roommate’s loofah.

Tripping the lights fantastic.

Treating the swollen tick bites of the Jehovah’s Witnesses locked in the basement.

Liberally apply Febreze to Grampa’s sex swing.