Best Of 2021

8 Public Venmo Exchanges your Subconcious Didn’t Need to Overanalyze Today

  1. $25.00 from your ex boyfriend who broke your heart to someone by the name of GlitterBabyKatie with the memo “Thanks for the great night ;)”. Note that GlitterBabyKatie’s photo is of her on a beach from behind and she appears to be topless, sporting an unnavoidable tramp stamp. Your brain didn’t need this today. GlitterBabyKatie sounds like she knows how to provide for the guy who left you high and dry.

  2. $75.00 for “grass” from the (nervous, uptight) dad of the family you used to babysit for all through high school to a person by the name of TheMan18243 whose photo is an empty black circle. Surely this drug deal is something you didn’t need on your radar today. At least he’s taking steps to tackle his anxiety. Good for you, Brad. Get yours!

  3. $3.50 from your college sorority nemesis Kelsey requesting no doubt a petty amount of money from someone she is passive aggressively bullying. With a caption like “mixers from that pregame in August,” she certainly hasn’t grown up much. You didn’t need the haunting memory of The Frat House Bar Crawl Fight of ‘16 replayed in your mind tonight, but here we find ourselves.

  4. $340.00 for actual grass from your uncle Jeff to O’Neills Lawn and Landscaping of Southern New Hampshire. This simply is extraneous information on the bulletin board of life that you just wasted five seconds digesting. Five seconds you could’ve been doing something more interesting!

  5. $12.80 from Hinge Boy Jackson who stuck his tongue down your throat on your (singular) coffee date to a man named “Slim Shade” with the memo as three mushroom emojis. I’d hope for his sake he’d been riding the high of a similar batch of shrooms when he tongued you. Just a cool memory that Venmo allowed you to relive.

  6. $1,650.00 from the girl who is rumored to be hooking up with The One Who Got Away (from you) and who has the best hair and body out of anyone you know to her roommate with the title “rent, bitch.” Just another reminder that she has the guy and (no doubt) better apartment she can actually afford if she’s just tossing transactions like that around. Hello, shame spiral!

  7. $42.00 from your therapist to her friend Krista for “cocktails Thursday night” – only two hours after your evening session. Is your stress so damn taxing on your therapist that she simply has no choice but to drink her annoyance away? Are you what’s pushing her to have to unwind like this? This feels like a slippery slope.

  8. A request for an added $14.50 from GlitterBabyKatie to your ex for “that extra special treatment.” The thought of this will surely ruin any productivity you had on the docket for today. Good luck with that presentation! Your therapist credits your move to a new city and lack of sunshine with your chronic depression, but you’re pretty sure that The Social Way to Pay has a pretty direct correlation with it.