Conducting Yourself Properly During A Séance

Don’t contact anyone from the spirit world who hasn’t watched the last several seasons of The Bachelorette, or you’ll be up with them half the night.

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You must keep your hands clasped together with the hands of those on either side of you during the seance; no playing grab-ass beneath the table.

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If the departed spirit had been lactose intolerant during their time in our realm, make sure not to serve any dairy products to your guests. The departed cannot consume the inflammatory items, of course, but it’s just kind of rude.

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Try to not contact a departed spirit who ever had a one night stand with someone famous during their life, as that’s all that they want to talk about, even if it was with some soccer player or something that no one cares about.

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Please do not break wind during the seance, even if you think that you can sneak one out; the departed spirit knows and can hear all, and the medium channeling the spirit will definitely call you out on it.

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Prior to the seance, cover all nearby mirrors with black cloth. Mirrors are a gateway between our world and the afterlife which can be breached, and your less attractive friends will be relieved to avoid a reminder of their unappealing appearance.

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Bringing a Ouija board to a seance is like bringing a lice comb to an orgy; it’s bad form, just don’t do it.

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Please don’t vape during the seance; many spirits enjoy appearing in the realm of the living with a subtle introduction of otherworldly smoke, and it’s very inappropriate to cock block their grand entrance.