Creative Ways to Beat the Heat 

It’s summertime, folks! That means it’s time for pool parties, day drinking, and remembering how bad you are at golf. With more and more days of record-breaking heat, it’s tempting to hide inside and curl up in the fetal position in front of the A/C. Don’t be that bozo. Try these fun and creative ways to beat the heat and stay outside all summer long!

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Vegetable misters 

Find the nearest grocery store and duck your head under the vegetable misters until an old lady starts whacking you with her purse because she can’t reach the broccolini.

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Fire hydrant party

Clip a giant wrench onto your belt and carry it wherever you go. When the sun starts cookin’, break open the nearest fire hydrant and throw a water party that brings the whole neighborhood together, just like that scene in Do the Right Thing. Cool your body, warm your heart. Two birds, one stone.

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Fake pool cleaner 

Peek over backyard fences until you find a pool. If the coast is clear, climb on over and take a dip! If someone catches you, explain that you want to clean their pool, free of charge. If they ask, “Why are you wearing my kid’s floaties?” get the heck out of there and find another pool.

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Your great aunt Hazel 

Pay a visit to your great aunt Hazel, who lives alone in a cobwebby mansion and gives off hardcore Miss Havisham vibes. One look at her will freeze the blood in your veins. You’ll be shivering with terror for hours, totally safe from the heat.

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Elf with a big leaf 

Hire your own personal elf who will follow you everywhere and fan you with a palm frond three times his height. You will need to feed the elf, but he will take care of his own shelter, by burrowing into his secret underground lair.

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Rowdy Italian guys 

Walk up to a mob of rowdy Italian guys and pay them to slap you repeatedly while yelling lines from Goodfellas with very stereotypical Italian accents. This won’t actually protect you from the heat, but it’ll definitely make a good distraction for a few minutes.

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Move to Antarctica 

It is very cold there.

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Alien invasion 

Send a signal into outer space begging any intelligent life form to abduct all of humanity, except you and anyone you want to save, thus instantly reversing the effects of climate change. What you do with the earth is up to you. Good luck!

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Normal person 

Or you could endure the dog days of summer like a normal person, by sweating profusely and driving from one air-conditioned building to the next until the sun goes down. Unless it’s still warm after dark, in which case you’re screwed.