Seriously, I am an important journalist-cum-pundit whose only allegiance is to the Grey Lady, and who is not profiting from featuring demons in our news sites. You need to understand one thing: demons deserve a baseline of respect and decency. Sure, they may use your sweet grandmother’s body as a host for their undead spirits and force her to do their evil bidding until nothing but a hollow corpse remains and her soul is held captive for eternity, but if you really want to change a demon’s mind, you can’t just angrily call them evil to their faces. It’s unsavory and impolite.
When you see a demon on the streets, ask yourself, what if this demon was your father or mother? Would you be happy if someone harassed them just because their only mission is to torture humans physically and psychologically until their spirits break and become minions of the underworld? I’m guessing your answer is no. Which is why the only thing you can do is get on your knees, close your eyes, open your mouth, and pray. Pray so hard until the demons understand that you don’t want them around. But demons should be able to enjoy Chipotle without you making a huge fuss about it.
Please, if you’ve reached your monthly limit of articles this month, pay for a subscription. Your contribution is the only thing helping us stop these horrific demons, like when we went to the upside-down and interviewed Demogorgons to see what everyday life is like for them. What are we supposed to do, not give demons a chance to give their side of the story?
Every time you yell at a demon, or throw holy water at them while they are just quietly devouring a canine carcass at your local diner, you are dividing us! Look, I know it’s difficult to understand what we, the chosen ones in the media, actually do to hold these demons accountable, but we are working very hard to save your souls from eternal damnation. If you don’t believe us, tune into our news segment tonight and see what a demon we have on retainer has to say about it!
As someone who has certainly not made a book deal thanks to the tireless work I’ve done investigating these demons and playing golf with them, I understand the facts. But just because a demon is extracting the life force out of an unsuspecting victim and using said life force to feed the ire of Lucifer, it doesn’t mean you need to be unpleasant about it. That just proves their point that you are an angry mob who isn’t willing to compromise. This is not what America is about.
If you just stay still and let us, your saviors of the news cycle, do our jobs, we can protect you. But you have to let us do it because we’ve been doing it so well and there is nothing we can do any better. Trust us, you need to pray. If everyone goes out and prays, especially the younger generations who don’t think praying is important, we might have a chance against the demons. Let’s not forget there are a lot of entitled millennial snowflakes who refuse to pray unless it’s for the god they want, and sometimes you can’t always get what you want, kids.
We need to humanize these demons in order to understand them better. Where is your empathy? If an incubus impregnates a female virgin with his demonic seed, instead of shutting them out of our lives, we need to consider the context in which the demon grew up. If you scare them off with your impertinence, then don’t complain when demons come after you. Just be cool, let us do our job, and please mail us a vial of blood from your first-born child as a token of good faith.
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Tulio Espinoza is a Venezuelan writer and comedian based in New York. He’s worked as a video producer and writer for many projects, making dope content for people in Vevo, NPR, CafeMedia, and Flama/Univision. Formerly a child prodigy working in the White House as George W. Bush’s speechwriter’s ghost writer, Tulio is now the living embodiment of a millennial stereotype.
@tooleeoh on Twitter/Medium