Diary of a Jealous Landlord
June 15, 2023
Dear Diary, the cute guy (Mark) that has been texting me about unit 1F seems really interested. He might even stop by tonight! I know it seems quick, but I have a good feeling.
June 16, 2023
OMG he was even cuter in person. He loved the unit and asked if there was a spot in the garage available. I was so nervous that I just blurted out yes.
Now I just need to tell Sue from 3R to find parking somewhere else. I’m pretty sure she’s faking that limp anyways.
June 31, 2023
It’s almost here – move in day! I can’t wait for Mark and me to start this new chapter in our life, even if we are two floors apart.
October 3, 2023
Dear Diary, sorry I’ve been MIA. It’s been a rough few months.
Long story short, sometimes Mark can be so stupid. We have basically lived together for a few months, yet he only calls when he needs something.
Why is it always “My apartment smells like gas again” and not “How’s your day goin and that new haircut really frames your face well and by the way can you fix this gas leak because you’re like really resourceful?”
October 15, 2023
I think I heard a girl in his unit. Maybe it’s just his sister?
Update: I saw her and she isn’t even cute. Maybe I should add a “No ugly girls” clause to the lease.
October 17, 2023
Sue from 3R submitted a noise complaint. Apparently Mark had a little party and they were up blasting music and laughing until 3am. Guess who wasn’t invited?
I told Sue to buy a noise machine and to stop trying to make me jealous.
October 19, 2023
Mark got a cat. A fucking cat! I know I said pets were fine, but this just feels like a decision we should have made together. Men can be so selfish.
October 20, 2023
I smelled cigarette smoke coming from Mark’s apartment. Why would he hide this from me? Is it because of the $50 smoking penalty? Or does he just not trust me?
Nov 1, 2023
I bet he doesn’t even remember what day it is today.
November 2, 2023
Mark texted me that there’s no hot water in his unit. Is this the hint I’ve been waiting for?
November 5, 2023
Mark seems pretty mad about the hot water and doesn’t understand why it’s taking so long for me to get it fixed. It’s like he’s not even being subtle anymore – he is DEFINITELY trying to send me a hint
November 6, 2023
Mark is withholding rent until I get the hot water fixed. Is it possible that I misread this whole thing?
Nov 8, 2023
Good news! Mark said there’s a ton of mold from the leaky water heater. Maybe he’s been so cold towards me because the spores are messing with his head!
Nov 9, 2023
I wonder what our kids would look like. And whose apartment would we move into? Maybe I could kick Sue out and knock down the wall between our units to make one big unit for our whole family.
Nov 15, 2023
Dear Diary, I am done with men!
Between the water heater and mold, Mark said the unit is a hazard for him and his stupid cat. He had to go to the emergency room or something and bla bla bla.
Now he’s breaking his lease. WHY ARE MEN SO AFRAID OF COMMITMENT!?!?
December 3, 2023
I found some old paint in the basement that I used to cover up the mold (it wasn’t even THAT bad – especially compared to the mold in 3R). I want the place to look perfect for the guy who’s coming to look at the unit this week. I hope he’s cute…
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