Every Beatle, Ranked
Cute Beatle: Paul
Smart Beatle: John
Quiet Beatle: George
Funny Beatle: Ringo
Evil Beatle: Azrael
Fifth Beatle: Ol’ Fivey
Ham Beatle: Hammy
Surfing Beatle: Chad
Skateboarding Beatle: Rad Chad
Invisible Beatle: Invisio
Judith Beatle: Judith
Lawyer Beatle: Esq.
Doctor Beatle: Dr. T.R. Beatleman
Drunk Beatle: Lil Boozy
Duck Beatle: Quacky
Horse Beatle: Buttercup
Hoarse Beatle: Ol’ Raspy
Christmas Beatle: Santa
Spooky Beatle: A Skeleton
Magic Beatle: The Great Beatini
Two-Headed Beatle: Brick n’ Frick
Sexy British Ghost Beatle: Lord Swelterton III
Dumb Beatle: Doofy McGoober
Fast Beatle: Wheels
Computer Beatle: Megabyte
Demolitions Expert Beatle: Blast
Femme Fatale Beatle: Natasha
The Beatle Who Must Not Be Named: [withheld]
Grandpa Beatle: Paul Sr.
Dead Beatle: Paul
Beatle That Can Help You Write That Letter: Clippy
Beatle Who Got Stuck in the White House Bathtub: Taft
Beatle to Avoid: Noid
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Brian Boone is a contributor to Funny or Die, Someecards, Splitsider, The Chive, and Looper, and his work has appeared on McSweeney’s, StarWipe, and many other fine humor and pop culture destinations. He’s the author of several delightful books, wrote a musical about pirates, and came in third on Jeopardy! once. He will clog your Twitter timeline with dad jokes.
