Trump Was Allegedly Kept From ‘Brink of Rage’ by Song From ‘Cats’ Newsweek 9/28/21
I can’t BELIEVE that Kim Jong Un would be so mean to me on his stupid little state TV show. He dared to call me “an overstuffed basketball filled with the putrid remains–and estimated intelligence–of 200 rat carcasses.” What a LOSER! Especially after we had that perfect phone call last week where we bared our unending love to each other. I said “I love you,” and he said, “I know.” I really thought he cared about me. GUESS NOT!
I’m going to bring fire and fury down on his head, the likes of which the world has never seen before. After I call Voice of America and tell them to set me up with my OWN state TV show that will be WAY BETTER than Little Rocket Man’s, I have finally decided that I am going to NUKE NORTH KOREA. I am a FIGHTER! Donald J. Trump will not stand for this kind of disrespect to himself and our GREAT NATION. Little Rocket Man, prepare to be NUKED with my Nuclear Button, which is a much bigger and more powerful one than yours!
Weird! My aide Max Miller just ran into my office, yelling about my tweets from just now. He started waving his arms and yelling “NO NO NO” and “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS! GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD! BECAUSE OF YOU MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE ADULTHOOD!” What’s his deal?
Max PLEADED with me and asked if I could go sit down on my couch in front of my TV. Don’t know where this is going. But it’s been a long day. I’ll go watch some TV. Then it is OVER, LITTLE ROCKET MAN!
Max just put on a movie. He’s telling me that this movie is a musical, and it’s the musical that has that song I like, “Memory.” Huh! That’s a truly tremendous song. Sure! I will watch this movie.
Apparently this musical was written by the same guy who wrote Phantom of the Opera. Is this musical also about an untraditionally attractive genius with many haters, who seduces women who are way too young for him? I love Phantom of the Opera.
The cats are now singing the first song. This movie is great so far. The cats are so well-animated and fun to look at! GREAT JOB!
They just sang about “Political cats and hypocritical cats.” Don’t you mean Adam Schiff? A total con!
Jennyanydots is such a crazed, unhinged lowlife. Why is she eating crickets with human faces? Can’t sing! Will never get to the Heaviside Layer. She should just stay at home and raise those weird mouse children. Doesn’t belong outside that kitchen!
I like this Rum Tum Tugger character. My disobliging ways are also a matter of habit! And I’m also a curious beast. MEOW!
I am a Great President who plays by my OWN RULES! There isn’t any call for me to shout it. I will do as I do do, and there’s NO DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
Grizabella the Glamour Cat is such a washed-up loser. You’d never suppose that this husk of a star was actually her. Very smart of the Jellicles to not let her back into the tribe. The Fake News CNN wants you to think she’ll get to the Heaviside Layer, but she definitely won’t. What a has-been!
A notorious couple of cats named Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer are stealing someone’s jewelry. Just like CRAZY JOE BIDEN is going to STEAL THIS ELECTION. (For more bangers like this, donate to my campaign at TEAMTRUMP.COM.)
Old Deuteronomy is a great character. I also have many wives, and numerous progeny. (You only know about a few of them!) And I know that my BEAUTIFUL SUPPORTERS are also proud of ME in my decline!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ugh, get this washed-up failure Grizabella off my screen!
Wait, I recognize that music. Is she the one who sings “Memory?” Max is telling me right now that she is. (I yell all my tweets out loud as I write them.) Oh, she IS the one who sings “Memory!” Maybe I will give her a chance.
Why did Grizabella only sing one verse of “Memory?” Give us more! What a HACK! TOTAL LOSER!
Give it up, Gus the Theater Cat! You’re done. You’re washed up. GO HOME! And we’ve repealed Obamacare, so you’re going to have to manage that “palsy that makes your paw shake” out-of-pocket. Sucks for you!
Skimbleshanks sure loves trains. I also love trains. We could make so many beautiful trains. But the DEMOCRATS are BLOCKADING OUR INFRASTRUCTURE BILL! Kellyanne, go on TV and tell them that Chuck Schumer is literally putting Skimbleshanks down! With sadness!
I can’t stand back and watch Macavity defy the Law of the beautiful city of London. Total lack of leadership from Boris Johnson. If I were in charge over there, Macavity would not be the bafflement of Scotland Yard. Because he’d be IN JAIL!
I, President Donald J. Trump, would like to announce that I am firing my daughter Ivanka from her roles as Presidential Advisor and My Daughter. I am hiring Taylor Swift for those jobs instead. Thank you.
The State Department needs to arrest Mr. Mistoffelees! He is definitely the one conjuring all these fake ballots for JOE BIDEN! Real Americans can see this!
I just watched Grizabella sing “Memory.” The full song this time. Wow. She needs to be let into the Heaviside Layer. Anyone who disagrees is a TRAITOR TO THIS COUNTRY. She won this competition, by a LOT! She should concede NOTHING! This was a RIGGED JELLICLE BALL!
I would like to speak to Old Deuteronomy about voter fraud in this year’s FRAUDULENT Jellicle Ball. I bet she is unwilling, or unable, to answer questions such as the “ballots under table” scam, ballot destruction, out of state “voters,” dead voters, and more. She has no clue!
CONGRATULATIONS TO GRIZABELLA for delivering a CRUSHING DEFEAT to all the HATERS AND LOSERS! You are welcome for my support! Congratulations to all. We won!!!
That was a great movie. Beautiful! You know what, Little Rocket Man, I won’t nuke you this time. But! If you try something again, you’ll never know what hit you!
Thank you for showing me this movie, Man “Music Man” Miller. You’re a star! Maybe later we can watch that part of “The Producers” where they put on that really great play.
Alexandra Bowman is a satirist and political cartoonist with World War Zero and Our Daily Planet. She has had work published by The Lincoln Project, BBC News, and the National Wildlife Federation. She is the founder of and head satirical writer for the @HilltopShow. Alex is also an English AB/MA student at Georgetown University, where she is studying satire and T.S. Eliot’s other, non-cat-based works. Follow her jokes and political cartoons on Twitter at @scripta_bene.