Best of 2020

Excuses For Missing Your Video Call Even Though You Know I’m Alone In Quarantine

I was working out. Well, I was about to follow along with a workout video online before finding myself going down a rabbithole of Bigfoot videos that YouTube recommended for me.

I was hoping the person I actually wanted to talk to would call.

I had just seen my iPhone’s “Screen Time” report for the past week and fainted.

I’m just really stressed because my friend’s sister’s brother-in-law tested positive and I can’t figure out how to make this about me.

I’ve honestly lost all concept of time. I may have been sleeping. Or eating. Or watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy on TNT, with commercials. I truly don’t know. I am broken.

I was on a different video call with Craig. Oh, you talked to him and he said that I told him I was on a video call with you? Weird!

Sourdough starters don’t start themselves.

My sister works at a grocery store and can no longer get daycare for her kids, so I was volunteering to watch them—but I did cough once yesterday so maybe, like, in a few weeks or something.

I was eavesdropping on the couple next door loudly arguing. Now that they’re home all day, they’ve been going at it even more than usual—it’s awesome.

I was drafting texts to send my ex even though I already messaged her last week to check in that she’s healthy and safe.

I was at my grandma’s waving at her from outside her window and taking your call would have interrupted the video of it I was recording for Instagram.

You didn’t text me ahead of time asking if it’s a good time to call.

I was mapping out a really funny Instagram story about self-quarantining and wouldn’t dare interrupt the creative process.

My days now consist entirely of washing dishes, dirtying dishes, and sitting on my couch doing nothing. I simply don’t have the time.

Oh, you called on Facebook? I don’t have Facebook anymore. Well, I mean, I have the app, and I saw the incoming video call notification from Messenger, but I, like, hardly ever use it.

I was trying to find that picture of you passed out at that Halloween party freshman year to set as a funny custom background for when I picked up, but then I happened upon photos from when me and Denise were together and had to go lay down for a few hours with a pillow over my face.

You called at 11? A.M. or P.M.? Wow, I thought people only said that in stoner comedies.

I tried cutting my own hair and am too embarrassed to be seen for the next few weeks. How about you just text me and I’ll get back to you when I get the chance?

I assumed it was a mistake because the only other time you ever video-called me was five years ago when you were on the toilet and all I could see were jeans around your ankles while you were humming Carly Rae Jepsen’s “I Really Like You.” Then you suddenly grabbed the phone muttering, “Oh my God, no, no, please, no,” hung up, and we never acknowledged it.

Last time I joined a Zoom call with friends I changed my display name to “I <3 BUTTS” to be funny but forgot to change it back before a work call the next day and now I’m too scared to ever touch a computer again.

We don’t talk when there’s not a pandemic, why do we suddenly have to talk now?

I’m sorry, I simply cannot bear to make small talk with yet another person about how I’m doing on toilet paper.

I’m just so overwhelmed by how much life has changed during the pandemic, even though I never went outside, socialized, or picked up calls before, either.

I don’t think I got a call from you… God, my phone is so kooky sometimes!

I just wasn’t in the mood to talk, okay?