Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of traffic court, I am here today to set the record straight regarding the events of June the 12th, and hopefully avoid losing $150. Quite frankly, I was under the impression that Officer Parsons would have something better to do than show up today and the ticket would be dropped.
But I prepared a statement nonetheless. I’ll begin by examining the events of that Tuesday afternoon just three short weeks ago. I remember it like it’s been replaying over and over in my head every moment for 21 days straight. I was driving on the highway and keeping up with the flow of traffic when suddenly, a squad car appeared and pulled me over. I assumed I was going to be warned of poor weather conditions ahead, or perhaps be congratulated on a particularly impressive move between lanes, but I was shocked to discover I was instead receiving my first speeding ticket.
I remained calm and took the ticket in stride, after puking all over my passenger seat, and I am grateful to now have the opportunity to argue my side of the case in court today and see how much I really have learned from Suits.
To cut to the chase, your Honor, all I can say is that I was not speeding. Even if I was—and I would never want to excuse such reckless behavior—I really needed to get my share of the leftover hotdogs from my brother’s graduation party in my fridge before they started to go bad. Again, this would not excuse any violation of the law, had such a violation occurred. Yet even a judge of your stature would have to admit that we’ve all been in that situation, transporting a parcel of hotdogs in a car with a busted A/C unit for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention an open two-liter bottle of Diet Pepsi that was quickly going flat.
And how accurate are radar guns? Can we trust an officer’s dexterity with his radar gun? Was Officer Parsons constantly shifting back and forth between cars? Or did he just eyeball this one? Maybe I was mistaken for another car, or Officer Parsons was moving his arm too quickly with the radar gun and messed things up. I’m not a scientist. Does Officer Parsons ever zone out while on patrol? Put another way, is Officer Parsons human? How long can I keep talking? Is Officer Parsons going to be given time to respond to these questions? If I keep talking, will he forget some of the earlier ones? I humbly recommend to the Court that Officer Parsons not be allowed to speak, because I’m really on a roll here.
Yet I digress. Regardless of the facts that I was going the speed limit and Officer Parsons’ radar gun is unreliable, I argue that this entire proceeding constitutes double jeopardy. I am on trial for my alleged crime after already being tried by the court of public opinion when the officer’s bodycam footage of me puking all over my passenger seat went viral. You have no idea how horrible the comments were—people online can be very hurtful.
Finally, I would like to introduce evidence. Traffic court takes evidence, right? I present Exhibit A, Your Honor: a Snapchat I took while driving with a speed filter that clearly reads 64 miles per hour—one whole mile per hour below the speed limit. Consider this case closed.
Of course, I’m just kidding about the Snapchat. I threw that together in Photoshop earlier today. Please don’t admit it as actual testimony. If there’s anything that Suits taught me, it’s that levity can help you win over even the toughest courtroom. Thank you, Harvey Specter.
So, your honor, I respectfully ask you to sit back, take in all of what you’ve heard, and maybe have some of this macaroni salad I brought. I hope you don’t take this as a bribe—there was seriously just a ton of leftovers from my brother’s graduation party and I really need to get rid of them now.
Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless these United States of America. Before I take my seat, awaiting your fair and just ruling, I’d like to remind the court my skin is very, very white.
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Sam Spero and Patrick Goodney do not know each other. They have never met. It is unclear why this is attributed to both of them. They can be found at @SRSpero and @buenarodilla respectively.