Fake Product History: The Evolution of KY Jelly

Aug 15, 1937-   Inventor Kensworth Youngerton returns home from work, discouraged about the results from his latest project, a brand new dessert topping.    His wife, sensing his malaise, attempts to lift his spirits with the aid of a leather bustier and his new dessert topping invention.

1939 – 40 New York World’s Fair-   During the first presentation of the new KY Jelly product, a large container of the jelly is accidentally spilled onto the stage, resulting in the first known instance of what eventually comes to be known as breakdancing.

1942-   The nation’s men are initially hesitant to rub an odd, sticky substance onto their members, until their wives think to simply lie and tell them that the jelly will also make their members much larger.

1957-    The Catholic Church, never happy when sex is made easier somehow, announces their disapproval of KY Jelly.    Within months, it can only be found on the same shelves as butterscotch and chocolate dessert toppings.

1963-  As soon as certain parties of the Catholic Church discover how well KY Jelly also works on “particularly small, extra tight” areas of the body, their ban is lifted.    KY Jelly has it’s best year to date as the Catholic Church begins to regularly buy in bulk.

1978-   Harkening back to their dessert topping roots, KY Jelly Inc. branches out into the world of flavored lubes.     Most varieties experience some measure of popularity and success, but none more than “Communion Wafer”.

1989-    Adult film sets begin to regularly use KY Jelly as a part of their daily routine, but only on the craft services table as a topping for Hot Fudge Sundae Thursdays.

1993-   As his desperate attempts to battle hair-loss spiral out of control, Donald Trump purchases case upon case of KY Jelly, as it’s the only thing that can keep the mountainous mess under control.    Sadly, he doesn’t read the warnings on the bottle that “use upon the scalp can lead to possible brain damage”.

2005-   A Cosmopolitan college survey finds that, rather than a sexual aide,  students are more likely to use KY Jelly as a secret ingredient in their water balloons.

2038-    Seven years after taking over Earth, sentient android machines finally find a good use for humans:  grinding them into a paste which they use as their own variation of sexual lubricant.