Revised Days of the Week

Sonday

Technically Monday, but everyone is still hungover from Saturday night – Sunday morning. Also, still wearing sweatpants from Sunday. No, I mean last Sunday, a week ago. Sonday mornings are for watching CNN to see what you missed while you were passed out for fourteen hours due to the fact that you hadn’t previously smoked pot in over ten years. Check in with work via Skype sometime mid-morning, wearing a makeshift old concert t-shirt breathing mask to hide the fact that you haven’t shaved in several days.

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Toodday

This is Tuesday and Wednesday combined, since you now sleep through the entirety of Thursday (this new pot really takes some getting used to!). Toodday is an ironic name for this day combo, as by only the second day of the week, you’ve already got a pretty bad attitude. Who ever thought that hour and a half bathroom breaks could be such a bummer? Mumble your way through another inconsequential work teleconference while you keep today’s Young & The Restless in your peripheral vision.

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Wursday

A combination of the words Wednesday and Thursday, but just coincidentally the “worst day” of the week. The constant stream of crappy televised news has worn you down to the point of mental exhaustion, and the relative relief provided by the promise of the weekend (psychologically developed over years of repetition, but there is no actual difference between the week and the weekend now), seems so far away. If you can’t get much work done, don’t worry about it too much; no one else is either. And as this virus has already proven beyond measure, there is definitely strength in numbers.

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Thiday

The fourth day of the new work week feels like the second half of Thursday, along with most of Friday. Pronounced like “thigh day”, which is ironic only because most people’s thighs are now painfully stuck to their leather couches after having settled there unmoving for the better part of the week. There’s half a cheese Danish stuck to the left side of your face, so go ahead and skip today’s teleconference. By this point, most of your fellow coworkers have the wild-eyed demeanor of the Tiger King cast, so probably better to leave well enough alone anyway.

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Saturday

Saturday is pretty much the same, but is considered an official part of the work week now. Regardless of this designation, used primarily for napping and stuffing empty pizza boxes beneath the sofa.