Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced this week that he would not be able to endorse Donald Trump as the presumptive GOP nominee for president in 2016.
Ryan has been looked at to take the nomination at the convention but has been outspoken in turning it down, even though he also said he would never want to be speaker of the house. Here’s a list of potential alternatives that Ryan would be ready to endorse.
1. A Large Rock
It’s strong, solid, and can stand up to whatever the Democrats throw at it.
2. His Trainer At The Gym
He’s a family man, knows the importance of fighting childhood obesity, and knows when to push the limits.
3. Brian Dingler, Macklinson High School’s Student Body President
A natural born leader, Brian could bring that youthful energy back to the party, so long as he’s home to do his algebra homework.
4. Morgan Freeman
He’s already been the president in like ten movies, he’s probably got all the moves down by now.
5. Pam Devlin, Allenburgh’s PTA President
She balanced the budget to make sure the entire soccer team got new uniforms; she’ll be able to stabilize the economy too.
6. Kanye West
He’s going to run in 2020 anyway, by backing him now Ryan would get to say “I knew it right from the start.”
7. The Kid Bagging Groceries At The Supermarket
He knows how to provide support and balance to the nation’s heaviest issues.
8. Ranjit, Optimum Internet Customer Service Representative
He was able to help him set up his wifi, he’s absolutely qualified to fight these Chinese hackers.
9. The Stapler On His Desk
It brings things together everyday. It can bring the parties together the same way.
10. An Oil Painting Of Abraham Lincoln
Nothing could affect it, it would be a stone wall in the face of controversy.
She always has an answer to every question. She’d also be the first woman president with none of the email scandal. Two birds.
12. Mitt Romney
His first running mate in the 2012 race, Romney did a tour on CNN a few months ago just to remind people he existed. Maybe he’d be down.
13. The Chair Behind The Desk In The Oval Office
It’s sturdy, comfortable, and can pivot to where it needs to be. It’s everything a president needs to be.
14. A Large Sack Of Oranges
It looks just like Donald Trump, so maybe the American people won’t realize the difference.
15. Two Golden Retrievers
But only so they could double-dog dare him to run last minute for the nomination.
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Tim Latterner is the leading expert on pizza folding techniques, black and white cookies, and all things sandwich related. He has written for CollegeHumor, Playboy Magazine, MAD Magazine, and a bunch of other humor publications. He’s a good guy, you should get to know him.