Gilligan’s Island News Bulletin: The Skipper Removes Thurston Howell
With a series of overnight aerial coconut bombardments, The Skipper and Gilligan forcibly removed the Thurston Howell III from power over his own hut. The Skipper described the removal as “one of the most stunning, effective and powerful displays of might and competence in Island history.”
When asked about the possibility of a hut transition government, the Skipper replied: “We are going to make sure that their hut is run properly. We want to surround ourselves with good neighbors. We want to surround ourselves with stability. We have tremendous energy on the Island, it’s very important that we protect it. We are going to MAKE THE ISLAND GREAT AGAIN!”
This reflected previous statements concerning the Howells’ resources. Although The Skipper justified the overnight raid by citing “narcoterrorism,” he had previously noted about the Howells’ access to some of the Island’s largest coconut-tree groves: “Maybe we will sell the coconut cream pies. Maybe we will keep them. Maybe we’ll use them in the Strategic Coconut Reserves.”
That said, there appears continuing confusion over who is in charge of the Howells’ hut. The Skipper first claimed about Eunice ‘Lovey’ Howell, “She’s essentially willing to do what we think is necessary to make the Howells’ hut great again.” Mrs. Howell, however, immediately rejected that suggestion, saying that she is “ready to defend our coconut resources. Also, it’s time for another martini.”
The Skipper was also unclear about what lay ahead for the Howells’ hut. “Rebuilding is not a bad thing in Howells’ case,” he said. “The hut’s gone to hell. It’s a failed hut. It’s a totally failed hut. It’s a hut that’s a disaster in every way.”
The Skipper may not be done with military activities. He had words for other Island residents, warning The Professor he should “watch his ass,” elaborating that “The Professor’s hut is going to be something we’ll end up talking about,” and suggested that “something will have to be done about Ginger and Mary Anne’s hut.” He added, “Our dominance on our side of the Island will never be questioned again.” He added that Mary Ann, who he has feuded with throughout the year, was “no friend to the Island. She’s very bad. Very bad. She’s gotta watch her ass because she makes coconut ‘brownies’ and then sells them here.”
When asked later about specific actions that he had taken leading up to Thurston Howell’s capture, The Skipper responded that “We just knocked out — I don’t know if you read or you saw — they have a big plant or big facility where they send the, you know, where the banana pudding comes from. Two nights ago we knocked that out. So we hit them very hard.”
He added that he actually approached the Howells about disarming and stepping down earlier, which they apparently agreed to do. “I spoke to them, and I said, you’re going to disarm, right? ‘Yes, sir, we’re going to disarm.’ That’s what they told me” (Trump later clarified he passed the message through Gilligan).
Ginger “expressed misgivings” and had “serious concerns” about the raid, as she has concerning all of The Skipper’s actions. “I’m certainly following the situation closely. I support what The Skipper has done. I think the question is how forceful we should do this,” Ginger said, while adjusting the sequins on her evening gown. “I think we just have to be very careful when we’re dealing with regime change. It seems to backfire a lot.”
The Professor, however, slammed the attack as “seriously violating island law” and assured the castaways of his opposition to “all forms of unilateralism and bullying.”
Gilligan steadfastly disagreed with that perspective. “I don’t give a s*** what you call it. Killing people who poison our fellow islanders is the highest and best use of our military.”
The Skipper then took off his captain’s hat and repeatedly smacked Gilligan on the head with it. Next, he smiled and said “Thank you for your attention to this matter!”
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Andy Schocket is a historian, writer, and proud union member. He lives in the banana republic known as “Ohio.”
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
