I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before I could swallow them all, I fell asleep. So I woke up the following morning with thirty five pieces of gum stuck in my hair. Luckily my hair always kind of looks like it has thirty five pieces of gum stuck in it, so I was able to go straight to work. On my way out of the house, I tripped over a misplaced TV remote, a pair of tennis shoes, and several of my own inane statements. I could tell that it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, period.
Once at work, I discovered that there were complimentary stories on the news about John McCain, and also about Marco Rubio, but the only stories about me are really mean, and make me sound like a liar and an idiot. Kellyanne tries to make me feel better by calling the stories “alternative facts”, but after hearing that so many times, I’m wondering if that’s just a fancy term for lies.
I think that I want to go back to being the Communications Director of the Republican National Committee.
I forgot that I have to do a press conference this morning. There seem to be dozens of reporters in the room, but I’m told that there are in fact only four. How is that possible? Do I have a tumor? And even worse, I didn’t get a chance to write one of my rambling, incoherent, semi-psychotic statements for the press, and so I’ll have to wing it. This was already turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day, period.
The press conference was horrible. And terrible. All of those news people are mean. Why don’t they like me? I go back to my office, and someone has decorated my office with dozens of Dippin’ Dots containers. It’s just a gag, I guess, but the ice cream has now melted all over my desk, the carpet, etc. Does melted ice cream get gum out of hair? I try it, but can’t really tell if it’s working or not.
I just want to relax a bit and check out Twitter, but my passwords aren’t working! I type them in several times and ways, but nothing happens. Before long, people are tweeting about me being an idiot again, and now Charlie Sheen is chiming in about wanting me to choke on my awesome new green tie! What is happening? This kind of stuff never went on when I was the Communications Director of the Republican National Committee.
I’ve had it with this day! Nothing has gone right. On top of everything else, I ask my assistant to get Frederick Douglass on the line, and she just chuckles! Is it funny that I’d like to congratulate him on his many valuable contributions? She came so highly recommended, too. Oh well, just another reason why this day is the absolute pits.
Just when I think that this day can’t be redeemed, and I’ve just about given up, something happens that gives me new hope. A big-time news outlet finally cuts through the chafe and takes the time to notice the real me, and the hard work that I’m doing for this fine country. When everyone on the internet sees what The Onion has to say about me, I’m sure to finally get the respect that I so richly deserve. Maybe this isn’t such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, period, after all!
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence