John Kelly’s Draft Letters of Resignation

August 4, 2017

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as White House Chief of Staff. This was not an easy decision to make. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity you have given me to serve these past three days.

After much reflection, however, I believe that my leadership style may not be an ideal fit with the approaches favored by current and former members of your administration, particularly your recently departed Director of Communications, Anthony Scaramucci. I do not believe it is appropriate, for example, to address a superior as “Douche-hose,” “Queer-dong,” or “Cuckminster Fuller.” Additionally, while I am certainly no stranger to tense situations between men, I have never been asked to produce a list of women with whom I have been intimate as a precondition to discharging my duties. And on a personal note, I would have appreciated your not calling each of them.

Before I depart, I would like to bring certain outstanding administrative matters to your attention. Mr. Scaramucci, it would appear, still possesses the code to the third floor bathrooms. I recommend changing the code immediately, as the Drug Enforcement Administration has informed me that, contrary to Mr. Scaramucci’s solemn word, the toilet stalls are not “unusually dusty.” Similarly, Sheila in Accounting notified me that neither our Communications budget nor federal law permit expensing personal items, such that Mr. Scaramucci must either return the ostrich jacket he purchased on eBay from pauliem007 or send us a personal check by the end of the month.

Again, it has been my great pleasure to serve you. I am committed to a smooth transition and accordingly believe that tomorrow, August 5, will work as my last day.

Best regards,

Gen. John F. Kelly

* * *

February 9, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as White House Chief of Staff. This was not an easy decision to make. While I have always welcomed the opportunity to serve, and certainly did not wish to see Stephen Miller cry like that, I do not feel comfortable with taking the blame for the White House’s response to Rob Porter’s history of domestic abuse. I am afraid that neither arm-twisting, cajoling, nor offers by Ms. Hicks’ to “give my pants the works” will change my mind in this matter.

Before departing my office, I would feel remiss in my duties if I did not reiterate my misgivings regarding several individuals currently granted unfettered access to the Oval Office, including Oleg Khrapunov, Dmitry Fyodorovich, either of the Viktors, Pyotr Cvitkovitch, Eric, Alexy Firtash, Igor Snegiryov, Arkady Smerdyakov, Devin Nunes, or Kid Rock.

Unfortunately, it has also become evident that we do not see eye-to-eye on key administrative goals. For example, I had hoped that you would agree with Sheila in Accounting and myself that we should not simply create an expense account for “miscellaneous.” Similarly, although I did indeed note to Senator McConnell that Ivanka has a “tremendous” body and that it might be nice to fête it in some way, as your Chief of Staff, that is really all I can do.

It has been my great honor to serve you.

Best regards,

Gen. John F. Kelly

* * *

July 17, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to inform you that I am resigning from my position as White House Chief of Staff. This was not an easy decision to make. Unfortunately, although I very much appreciated the opportunity to visit Helsinki, a beautiful city with a rich heritage, the last twenty-four hours have exposed key disagreements I have with this administration’s foreign policy, not the least of which being whether our host country’s permissive laws concerning sex work amount to an obligation or a suggestion.

I am no stranger to the subtle art of diplomacy. However, I do not believe that this art necessarily includes inviting “local talent” onto Air Force One, even if President Putin has personally vouchsafed that those women are deeply interested in democracy. I hope you will, someday, appreciate that I had no choice but to act in accordance with that belief. On that note, as we discussed, the presidency is an esteemed and noble office, and even when life disappoints us, it is important to express ourselves in a fitting manner. Incidentally, although my mother was not in fact Polish, Polish heritage is nothing to be ashamed of.

I understand that this is an inopportune moment to leave your administration, but contemplating my role at the White House this past year, I have found it difficult to pinpoint a “good time,” as you often put it. Regardless, I will gladly see to the several outstanding issues under my watch before departing. To start, Sheila in Accounting has advised that there is no “hush money” designation in the system and indicated that one could not be created. Sheila also informs me that in order for an expense to be classified as allergy medication, she would need to see a prescription, or, at least, a receipt from CVS.

Finally, I attempted to set up a call between Sheila and Mr. Cohen, as you requested, but all of his numbers now forward straight to the Department of Justice tip line. And, since the Viktors remain in Finnish custody, we cannot ask them to locate him, as Jared suggested.

Best regards,

Gen. John F. Kelly

* * *

October 19, 2018

Dear Mr. President,

Kindly eat shit and die.

Best regards,

Gen. John F. Kelly