Gilligan’s Island Press Conference: The Skipper Indicts the Professor

At a press conference held in the Castaway Island Governing Committee hut, the Professor denied the allegations recently launched against him by the Skipper.  “The Skipper and Gilligan served me with grand jury subpoenas, threatening a criminal indictment related to my testimony before the Governing Committee last June,” he said.  

 

“It is not about my testimony. This is about whether I will be able to continue to set energy policy based on evidence —or whether instead such policy will be directed by political pressure or intimidation. I have served under many administrations, including those of Thurston Howell III, Eunice ‘Lovey’ Howell, and now the Skipper. In every case, I have carried out my duties focused solely on our mandate of Island stability. I will continue to do the job the Committee confirmed me to do, with integrity and a commitment to serving the Island people.”

Undeterred by the Professor’s statement, the Skipper called for the Professor’s removal, criticizing him for not cutting down all bamboo windmills on the island. The Skipper also questioned the Professor’s cognitive ability. “[The Professor’s] got some real mental problems,” he said, while eating a coconut cream pie. “There’s something wrong with him.  I’ll be honest, I’d love to fire his ass. The guy is grossly incompetent.  Some have said, ‘Sir, don’t fire him. Sir, please don’t fire him. He’s got three months to go. Please, he’s a voice of reason’.”

 

The Skipper also alluded to the height of the windmills obstructing ocean views from his hut. “I’m building a hut that’s going to cost a tiny fraction of [the windmills],” he asserted.  “It’s bigger than the whole thing put together,” the Skipper said.  “If the so-called ‘Professor’ doesn’t ‘substantially’ lower those windmills”, the Skipper added, “THE CASTAWAY COMMITTEE SHOULD ASSUME CONTROL, AND DO WHAT EVERYONE KNOWS HAS TO BE DONE!” 

 

Mary Ann disagreed with the Skipper’s assessment. “If there were any remaining doubt whether advisers within the Skipper Administration are actively pushing to end the independence of Island energy policy under the Professor, there should now be none,” she said, while stirring a huge batch of banana pudding.  “It is now the credibility of the Skipper administration that is in question.”

 

Ginger agreed with Mary Ann and suggested further discussion was necessary.  “It’s clear the administration’s investigation is nothing more than an attempt at coercion. The Committee needs to investigate this. More importantly,” she purred, “how do I look in this dress?”

 

The Skipper scoffed at this and added that if nothing was done, his commitment to the Committee itself was in jeopardy. “I would ‘absolutely’ consider taking it out unless members are ‘treating us fairly,’” he said, while menacingly waving a coconut at the press gaggle.

 

When questioned about whether the investigation into the Professor was warranted, recently imprisoned former Island President Thurston Howell III said, “I am innocent. I am not guilty. I am a decent man, the president of my Island.  I am here kidnapped since Saturday.  I was captured at my hut.  I am a prisoner of war and a man of God.  I need a martini.”

 

Gilligan echoed the Skipper’s claims of corruption by the Professor. “The Skipper is right about the Professor. He’s a nice guy, but he’s been wrong about almost everything. He was way too late in combating the Howell administration, and now I think he’s way too late in actually helping us castaways fight back against some of these ridiculous deals that have stolen the wealth of the Island people.”

The Skipper nodded in agreement with Gilligan, then took off his captain’s hat and repeatedly smacked him on the head with it. Next, he smiled and said “Thank you for your attention to this matter!”