GOP Updated & Approved Versions Of Popular Literature

Cujo

The love and kindness of a gentle St. Bernard dog is just what’s needed to bring together a family struggling with undisclosed personal issues.

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Harry Potter

A bright young student is driven to University by his loving, very involved parents.    Once there, he is capably assisted in his studies by friend of the family and accomplished professor, Dr. Voldemort.

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The Holy Bible: The Complete, Uncut Version

Plot-wise, pretty much the same as the version that you know so well… but now with even more of the slavery, incest, molestation, hateful intolerance and bloodshed that you have always loved about the original! 

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The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

A young female outcast finds herself in the midst of several life-altering, death defying adventures, leading her to the conclusion that tattoos are a sin as well as a blasphemous defiling of the Lord’s great and holy work.    At her first available opportunity, immediately following a high-speed motorcycle chase, she makes an appointment to have her tattoos removed.

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The Help

The trials and tribulations of a righteous white southern woman as she struggles with the belligerent impertinence of the unruly staff of employees in her home.

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The Da Vinci Code

The Paris police enlist the help of a well renowned symbologist to solve a murder, and then suddenly find themselves on the trail of a massive conspiracy involving organized religion. Aware that any ridiculous accusations leveled against organized religion are most definitely fake news, they dismiss the case and move on to actual criminal activity, mostly in the areas of the city occupied by those of lower economic status.

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The Lord Of The Rings

A large group of short but yet proud boys begin a long expedition to do battle at a place of great power, while at the same time admitting that the only true Lord is their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

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The Joy Of Sex

If you’re a normal, white, heterosexual person of Judeo-Christian faith, you’ll get your money’s worth from this thin tome covering all of the do’s and don’ts (mostly the don’ts, though) of the missionary position. Available at your local public library, but only if accompanied by your chaplain.

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