Gun Control Is Important But I Look Hot Wielding an M16

There’s no question our country needs stricter gun legislation to stop senseless violence. But yes, my Tinder picture will remain this cute selfie of me shooting an M16 because it gives me the sex appeal of Blake Lively.


Look, I’m a liberal. But we can’t be afraid of guns, even Rachel Maddow says so! People on different ends of the political spectrum need to find common ground somehow. And by showing guys my Instagram spread of me, a tiny woman, mastering everything from handguns to sniper rifles, I get more ass than a beanbag chair in a dorm room.


It’s not like I want us to compromise people’s access to affordable health care—that’s basically murder. But there’s nothing wrong with Grigor the coffee cart guy getting turned on by my casual story about murdering pigeons as a child on my grandparents’ farm. Troubled individuals don’t lust after me, most likely.


Honestly, I should be the face of gun control. My signature pickup line is, “I shoot guns.” I’m not hurting anyone with my safe, restrained attraction to assault weapons. I’m just getting laid AF because cradling a gun signals to guys that I know how to handle a penis.


Some of my friends say I should be a cop because I’m not afraid to defend myself with a gun. But could you imagine?! Ohmigod, whenever my neighbors made too much noise, I’d pound on their door with my lethal weapon. Not to shoot them, obviously, just to hold the gun in the doorway like Jennifer Garner in Peppermint. I’m a small woman, and the gun makes me look so authoritative that guys just want to pray into my glee-hole.


Don’t worry though, I would never shoot an actual human! Going to the range when I’m stressed and angry is simply a great act of self-care. The rush of pheromones I get from shooting a human-shaped drawing is almost as good as the lady boner I get from kissing that Jason Momoa Aquaman poster.


It goes without saying that I have deep compassion for the survivors of mass shootings. Is sexualizing my gun savvy triggering to them? Just because guns are where the word “triggering” comes from, that doesn’t mean I should have to stop looking like I know how to work a dick.


Are guns themselves “sexy”? I’m the wrong person to ask, I’m so in favor of gun control, I—an extraordinarily petite woman—barely think of any gun except when I cock it.


Marksmanship is sexy, guys. We happen to live in a culture that normalizes guns by rewarding you with the ability to arouse others. That’s healthy. If I didn’t get all this action, I’d stick a gun up my vagina—UNLOADED! Jesus.