Highlighted Excerpts of Interest From the FBI’s Investigation of Hillary’s Emails
“… just saying, if someone is being paid to give me a proper back massage, why wouldn’t they handle the pimples as well? They don’t have to pop them with their teeth, for Christ sakes, but pop them already! I can appreciate someone being squeamish, but if you’ve already waxed my vulva, surely you must have a pretty strong gag reflex.”
“… listen, back in my 30’s and 40’s, if you got on my bad side when my tides were turning, the CIA would have a syringe in your neck within the hour. But I’ve got much less blood on my hands (no pun intended lol) since having the plumbing yanked out.”
“… I don’t mean to be a bitch, but… listen, I don’t care if the guy is dying from cancer. No one sees the new Star Wars before me! Fuck that guy. Give the family some campaign shirts and a free copy of my book or something, I dunno.”
“… please guys, don’t encourage Bill with these “Ben Gayzi” jokes that he keeps making around the office. Even a polite chuckle will egg him on to an irritating degree, so just… don’t, okay?”
“… a zombie apocalypse… oh man, I’d give my left nut for a zombie apocalypse…. just let all of those stupid, inbred fuckers in the middle of the country eat each other until they’re no longer a problem. Have you seen these fat assholes? They look like they’ve already been eating each other for decades.”
“… I get so angry that I shake when I think about that goofy looking dickhole. When I finally and totally crush Trump, five minutes later that piece of shit is going to be cooling his heels in Guantanamo. I’m going to be there in person, too… make sure that smirking dildo gets “twat-erboarded”.
“Are you people fucking kidding me? That is not a Carls’ Jr restroom, for fuck’s sake. Get in there and flush it now, or one of you overly-privileged assholes is going to be wearing it as a neck-tie for the rest of the day.”
“hey guys, could one of you give me a ride home today? Bill won’t shut up about Game of Thrones, and I couldn’t give two shits.”
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence
