Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice.
[$20K for the operation, $15 a week to hire Puerto Rican guy to hose centipede down a couple of times a day]
Rare videos submitted by Kim Jong Un to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
[$175K for set of eight tapes, $500 to have audio guys add wacky sound effects]
Several year supply of Melania’s “diet pills” (ie, illegal third-world date-rape drugs).
[$50K for pills, $20K to have pills reformed into Scooby Doo character shapes]
Life-sized, edible sculpture of Hillary Clinton made of Nutella and graham cracker bits.
[$200K for sculpture, additional $50k for sculptor to come back and reset vagina/anus at regular intervals]
Order of t-shirts reading “I’ve Been To Area 69!” to be worn by his household staff on Wacky T-Shirt Fridays.
[No info on file. “More expensive that it is to keep these yammering dolts on staff.”, according to notes from Mr. Trump]
Gravy boat (actual seven-story yacht filled to the brim with piping-hot cream gravy).
[$4.5 million, additional $20K to hire bikini-clad ladies who won’t complain about the burns sustained while wrestling around in piping-hot gravy]
Voodoo doll of every citizen of America (and “the Mexicans, too!”), just in case.
[$7K, additional $5K to have “Made In China” labels removed from dolls]
Bucket of ebola-infected camel semen to be used in pranking Chris Christie.
[$15 for the bucket; semen was already in back of the fridge]
Cool-looking, yet scary and bad-ass, costume/uniform to be worn during his tours of the many death-camps to be opened during his presidency.
[$20K for suit, additional $50K spent researching on how to make a girdle appear intimidating]
Exploding Samsung Galaxy phones to be given as “hilarious” Christmas gag gifts.
[$150K “donation” given to Samsung]
Hollow cast of Kim Kardashian’s buttocks to be used as exotic chip n’ dip combination bowl.
[$800 for bowl casting, $650 for enough chips and dip to fill said compartments]
Oven-mitt autographed by the cast of The Dukes of Hazard (plus additional monies to authenticate said item).
[$23K for mitt and authentication, additional $300 to have mitt filled with ashes of the guy who played Boss Hogg]
- About the Author
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence