Items Purchased With Misappropriated Trump Foundation Funds

Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice.

[$20K for the operation, $15 a week to hire Puerto Rican guy to hose centipede down a couple of times a day]

Rare videos submitted by Kim Jong Un to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

[$175K for set of eight tapes, $500 to have audio guys add wacky sound effects]

Several year supply of Melania’s “diet pills” (ie, illegal third-world date-rape drugs).

[$50K for pills, $20K to have pills reformed into Scooby Doo character shapes]

Life-sized, edible sculpture of Hillary Clinton made of Nutella and graham cracker bits.

[$200K for sculpture, additional $50k for sculptor to come back and reset vagina/anus at regular intervals]

Order of t-shirts reading “I’ve Been To Area 69!” to be worn by his household staff on Wacky T-Shirt Fridays.

[No info on file. “More expensive that it is to keep these yammering dolts on staff.”, according to notes from Mr. Trump]

Gravy boat (actual seven-story yacht filled to the brim with piping-hot cream gravy).

[$4.5 million, additional $20K to hire bikini-clad ladies who won’t complain about the burns sustained while wrestling around in piping-hot gravy]

Voodoo doll of every citizen of America (and “the Mexicans, too!”), just in case.

[$7K, additional $5K to have “Made In China” labels removed from dolls]

Bucket of ebola-infected camel semen to be used in pranking Chris Christie.

[$15 for the bucket; semen was already in back of the fridge]

Cool-looking, yet scary and bad-ass, costume/uniform to be worn during his tours of the many death-camps to be opened during his presidency.

[$20K for suit, additional $50K spent researching on how to make a girdle appear intimidating]

Exploding Samsung Galaxy phones to be given as “hilarious” Christmas gag gifts.

[$150K “donation” given to Samsung]

Hollow cast of Kim Kardashian’s buttocks to be used as exotic chip n’ dip combination bowl.

[$800 for bowl casting, $650 for enough chips and dip to fill said compartments]

Oven-mitt autographed by the cast of The Dukes of Hazard (plus additional monies to authenticate said item).

[$23K for mitt and authentication, additional $300 to have mitt filled with ashes of the guy who played Boss Hogg]