The Very Basic Facts Contained In The FBI’s Released JFK Assassination Documents

The FBI recently released all documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy, causing conspiracy theorists and history buffs alike to lose their collective minds.

As it turns out, and as is true with most things in life, it turned out to not be such a big deal.

During the month of JFK’s assassination, no Secret Service members were given Employee Of The Month.

First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy wore her now-famous pink outfit just in case anything, in her words “pink and brainy colored”,  accidentally got spilled onto her while in Dallas.

The CIA didn’t arrange the Kennedy assassination, but they did set it up so that Marilyn Monroe gave him syphilis.

Rumors that JFK was killed due to being Sarah Connor’s great-grandfather are mostly untrue.

Oswald was actually aiming for the guy who ran the deli on the other side of the street, who had overcharged him for a pastrami sandwich the day before.

The now infamous route through Dallas was changed at the last minute from a sleazier part of the city, as many feared that JFK would leap from the car and begin chasing prostitutes.

Jack Ruby was a leprechaun.   Why he didn’t use his leprechaun powers to kill Oswald, rather than a gun, remains a mystery to this day.

Although the White House backyard hot-dog cook out which was to follow the trip to Dallas was naturally cancelled, Lyndon Johnson nevertheless secretly cooked up some hot dogs and ate them with chips and soda in his room.

Jackie O and Monica Lewinsky have met in private on several occasions, comparing notes as to which of them got the more disgusting presidential goo on their respective dresses.

The motorcade through Dallas caused local hardware store employee Curtis Fachner to get home late and miss the new episode of Petticoat Junction, angering him to the point that he switched allegiance to the Republican party until his death in 1984.