Holiday Sacrifice Guide
Season’s Greetings, fellow supplicants! It’s that time of year again, when the days turn short, the winds turn cold, and we mortals gather sacrifices to appease our capricious gods in hopes that they will give us back the sun. Whether you’re looking for something a little less basic than a bushel of wheat or you’re just plain out of first-born sons, this guide’s got you covered for all your seasonal offering needs!
For the Harvest Gods: Have you been saving up a little from each crop all year to make sure you have a varied and attractive sacrifice platter on Burningstide? Of course you have, you don’t want your clan to starve! But just in case your cache has been eaten by voles or you somehow failed to set aside the recommended ten percent, the Harvest Gods may also be appeased by the burning of your hair. Make sure you cut it off first, silly!
For the Goddess of Fertility: The great thing about sacrifices for She who Bestows Children is that you don’t even have to burn them! Simply source a bit of clay, fashion a little figure with a belly as full of life as you wish yours to be, and place upon your most sacred altar. A sacrifice that doubles as home décor? Score!!!
For protection from storms: The wind and snow Gods are the by far the most difficult to appease – even our most revered shamans only guess right about half the time. However, it never hurts to sacrifice your fattest piglet just in case – just think of how you’d feel if your clan froze to death and you *hadn’t* sacrificed everything you could? That’s a lot of guilt to carry into the Next Realm.
To fell the great beasts of the hunt: There’s no way around it – meat calls to meat. To ensure a prosperous hunting season, you’re going to have to give up a little personal protein. If last year’s baby-sacrifice didn’t do the trick, consider the ritual murder of a brave and comely youth. And if that doesn’t work, perhaps it’s time for a new Clan Leader? To burn a Leader is truly a worthy sacrifice, and brings about a much-needed change in regime. Talk about sacrificing two birds with one stone!
To ensure a good marriage for your offspring: Really, if you did your Springtide sacrifices correctly, you should be good here, but feel free to shove your son’s rivals off a cliff just in case.
To vanquish the Enemy That Lives In the Hills: Ugh, the hill clans, am I right? Not only does their vanquishment require the sacrifice of warriors in the unending battles, but to ensure that their crops fail and their women go barren, we must make sacrifices of GOLD to the War God. Gold! Oh well, Burningstide only comes once a year.
To the SUN GOD: The most important sacrifice of all! It’s a tricky balance to strike – we want the Sun God to come back, but we certainly don’t want Him to swallow up the world in fiery vengeance for our sins. The Burning of the Log might feel old-hat, but look – it’s worked every year, and do you really want to be the clan that makes the sun go away forever? Didn’t think so!
And whatever goods and creatures you sacrifice this season, here’s wishing you and your bloodline a safe and happy Solstice – may the Gods spare us all once again!
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Emily Flake is a cartoonist, writer, illustrator, and performer. She is a regular contributor to the New Yorker and the Nib, among many other publications. She is the author of a book of essays and cartoons about parenting called “Mama Tried” (Grand Central, 2015). She does a weird hybrid of standup and cartoons on stages throughout NYC and beyond, and is the creator and cohost of a monthly live interview show called NIGHTMARES. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband, daughter, and a frail, elderly cat.
