Bible Version 2.0: Updated Verses from a God Who Just F’ing Can’t Anymore

Jeremigodihatemyself 0:1

So, God created mankind in his own image. On this day of creation, God was feeling loathe after Athena, goddess of all gods, rejected his attempts at union. He looked in the mirror, thinking thus “God, you’re such a dumb shit.” In this image, mankind was made.

Hand Palms 5:10

They reveal their secrets unto Prophets and no layman shall ye know. God shook they’re almighty head that resteth in their Holy hand, proclaiming with a sigh “It’s not really a secret. Thou shall not kill. Jews, Muslims, Mami Wata worshippers and those who worship none are all human beings. So are women, people who wear hoodies, those who live in deserts, and, as much as I hate to admit, even Ann Coulter. It’s not that hard – stop killing you dipshits!”

Actual Unselfish Acts 101

Do unto others as they want done unto them and not as you prefer to do unto to.

Prochoiceverbs 5:4

For unto sisters, I make thy flesh from my own. And, Derek said unto the Lord “Children are a heritage from thee, offspring a reward, and none shall slay your blessing.” And the Lord threw the case file of Roe v. Wade into Derek’s face, proclaiming that women’s bodies are also a blessing and shall not be sacrificed in the name of ignorance. The Lord then locked herself in the bathroom for a good cry.

Ambien 5mg

So it shall be that we would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. Unto which the Lord replied “OMG, can’t I get 5 goddamned minutes to myself?! Daddy is TIRED.”

Giveupicus 525,600 minutes

“For I know the plans I have for you” declared the almighty Spirit, “plans to let you guys destroy the crap out of each other. I love you all, but, seriously, I just can’t anymore.”

AOC 20:28

“With all humility, let us consider how we might spur one another in good deed and heal thy nature,” asked Graham, a humble servant. “Haven’t you been listening?!” bemoaned the great Spirit. “I give you the Green New Deal, and all you do is ruin it. It’s ruined. Everything’s ruined. To Hell with it.” And, lo, God urinated their Holy piss all over Antarctica, hastening the inevitable.

Mark Your Bets 7.53 billion to 1

In the morning, I say my requests unto you, Lord, and wait expectantly. Please, good Lord, cannot we have world peace? And, thus, the Lord replied “Peace? Peace!? Are you kidding me?! I’ve been begging for peace for millennia! Nah, man, I got 20 g’s on the trifecta of human destruction: 1 – nuclear war, 2 – rats, and 3- Donald J. Trump.”

Lamentations 4392:109,694

“But, Lord, the corrosion of your faith in wealth threatens to destroy the very Kingdom of Heaven. Look, hence! You have hoarded and fattened yourself with common greed!” exclaimed the blessed Pope Francis. The Lord Almighty, laughing in a strange, hissing cackle, shouted: “Give me a fucking break – how else do you think we’re going to pay off all those altar boys you guys destroyed?!”

Theregoesmywaistline 12:24

Then I heard a voice from Heaven say “Write this: Blessed are the dead, who rest from labor.” “Yes,” said the God of Abraham, “I don’t know what there is to live for anymore.” To which the great Lord then gave up on her diet and ate the entire Junior’s cheesecake she was going to give Jesus for his birthday but fuck him and everyone else too.

Collossial 13 in.

Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap pleasure. The Spirit proclaimed, “Good god, there’s nothing wrong with feeling good. Life can be good.” And, thus, the Magic Wand by Hitachi was born, sparing humanity one more day.