Honest Spring Cleaning Intentions

Update my task tracker app to get rid of the notifications.

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Turn five small piles of paper into two large stacks.

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Figure out what, exactly, “dusting” is, then contemplate doing that thing, but opt to clear out my Hulu queue instead.

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Crumple the Post-it with this year’s dusting/sweeping/mopping resolutions. And last year’s Post-it. And the resolutions of the year before that. Then defeat my trash can in a solid game of Post-It basketball.

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Delete “Is the sticky part of the Post-it recyclable?” from my recent search history.

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Scrub my social media accounts of underappreciated selfies from winter, fall, summer.

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Bookmark five articles in my browser about the benefits of deleting browser bookmarks.

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Inflate my old air mattress to check if it still works, and then take a nap to really test it.

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Take another nap on my bed to be fair.

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Wake up and empty all of the clothes from my drawers onto the floor, then consolidate my hopes of ever going through them all.

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Pick the dead leaves off my houseplant, put the houseplant right back on the windowsill, and toss out anyone who mentions root rot.

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Call Bed Bath & Beyond to inquire whether the “Beyond” includes a cleaning service. If so, does my 20% off coupon apply? If not, well, what’s cookin’? That’s my fun way of asking how you are doing. Oh, you don’t need to worry about letting me go; I have all day free to chat.

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Sweep the metaphorical clutter of life under the metaphorical rug, and just kind of shake out the actual rug a little bit and move on to the kitchen.

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Rearrange the refrigerator magnets by size, then by color, and then by how they were before.

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Start “clean eating” (eating onion rings on a clean plate).

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Notice one impossible-to-reach cobweb in the corner of the kitchen ceiling and spend hours combing through my hundreds of browser bookmarks for that one article I’m pretty sure I read somewhere about building a ladder from pipe cleaners. Or maybe it was Legos. No, I’m pretty sure it was spoons. Where is this article? Everything else can wait. Why do I have so many browser bookmarks again? I really should–OH NOOOOO A MASSIVE SPIDER.

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Flush out my eye ducts in a late-afternoon sobfest.

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Decide I’m more of a “summer cleaning” person.