To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown.
About Sarah Garfinkel
Sarah Garfinkel is a writer and educator living in Brooklyn. You can find more of her writing at sarahgarfinkelwriting.com
Entries by Sarah Garfinkel
We want you to know that we are here for all of your Jewish holiday food prep needs. The Jewish New Year? Matzah. That one Day of Fasting? Sneak a little matzah in your purse. And Hanukkah, the biggest and most important Jewish holiday of all (we think)? Winter holiday matzah. (That’s regular matzah with some blue twinkle lights strewn around.)
Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!
Be on the look-out for these bingo pranks. Happy April Fool’s!
Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger–oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.
Rearrange the refrigerator magnets by size, then by color, and then by how they were before. Start “clean eating” (eating onion rings on a clean plate). And more.
Bring a 3D visual of your ideal cut: Specifically, bring a mop.
So you…Broke your arm while dream-fencing. / Say you… broke your arm while real-life fencing. It sounds very noble and you don’t have to worry about follow-up questions because nobody really knows how fencing works.
Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things!