Entries by Sarah Garfinkel


“Don’t Smile Until Thanksgiving” and Other Tips for New Teachers

To earn your kindergarten students’ respect, start the year off strict and smile-free. Your students might test your anti-smiling resolve prior to Thanksgiving by saying cute things like, “You’re my best fwend” or “I wuv you.” Do not break. If students catch you smiling before Thanksgiving, they will probably assume you are a professional clown.


Come Buy Our Grocery Store’s Matzah That We Advertise for Any and All Jewish Holidays!

We want you to know that we are here for all of your Jewish holiday food prep needs. The Jewish New Year? Matzah. That one Day of Fasting? Sneak a little matzah in your purse. And Hanukkah, the biggest and most important Jewish holiday of all (we think)? Winter holiday matzah. (That’s regular matzah with some blue twinkle lights strewn around.)

Best Of 2021

The Online Reviews I’m Endlessly Scrolling to Find

Finally: The Most Comfortable Pants In The World That No One Will Say Look Comfortable: I’ve worn these outside the house at least twenty different times and not one person (knock on wood) has said, “I like your pants, they look super comfortable.” Instead, they just say the first part of that sentence and then stop. I am amazed!

Best of 2020

How to Have a Super-Traditional Hanukkah That Is in NO Way Like Christmas

Night 6: The kids complained that the Hanukkah Bush is too small. Race around your backyard trying to find something larger–oh look! It’s the evergreen that’s been growing outside your den for the past three decades. Hack it down, prop it up in your bay window, and emblazon it with enough twinkling Hanukkah miracles that it glows radioactively. It is the Festival of Lights, after all.


Honest Spring Cleaning Intentions

Rearrange the refrigerator magnets by size, then by color, and then by how they were before. Start “clean eating” (eating onion rings on a clean plate). And more.


Bedbug Influencer Seeking New Instagram Management

Jeff posts unflattering pictures of me on his Insta story (caption: “Ew, what’s this? They’re all over my mattress rn”), pictures of his arms with bites (caption: “Can anyone identify these itchy bumps? Plz help”), and pictures of his hospital wristband (caption: “Mood”). It’s not my fault that Jeff is allergic to me. People are also allergic to cats! Cats do evil things!