I, Batman, the “Guardian of Gotham,” Am Now Charging a Fee

“We’ll become the guardian of the strait. Maybe we’ll become the guardian angel of the strait, and we should be reimbursed for that.” — President Trump The Hill

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Citizens of Gotham, I, Batman, your “Guardian of Gotham,” have a small administrative update regarding my protective policies: I will now be charging a fee.

 

This may come as a shock to some of you, but even a masked vigilante has bills to pay. I mean, it’s not like I’m a billionaire or anything.

 

I have been defending these streets, free of charge, for far too long. I think it’s only fair that I be reimbursed for my protection. Now, you may be wondering, “How will Batman’s newly imposed fees work?” Honestly, I’ve flip-flopped on how, exactly, this will work, but I’m thinking of imposing a very fair surcharge. Oh, I don’t know, something to the tune of, say, 20%.

 

Here’s an example: you’re walking home late at night and you’re beset upon by a thief or group of thieves. Naturally, they want whatever money or valuables you have on your person. Say goodbye to the contents of your wallet/purse, your phone, your wristwatch, and any other jewelry you may have on (whatever you do, under no circumstances should you resist giving up your pearl necklace—this can go downhill very quickly and may even set a loved one on a dark, life-long path of vengeance). Fear not, I, Batman, show up—BAM! POW! BIFF!—and kick some major ass, saving you and your valuables. Now, I think it’s only fair that you give me 20% of whatever I helped you keep safe. It’s simply math, really. Without me, you lose 100% of your money and valuables. Thanks to my protection, you get to keep 80% of what was yours in the first place. Great deal, right?

 

Still having a hard time understanding my reimbursement structure? Okay, here’s another example: let’s say there’s a big shipment of medicine for the Gotham City Hospital arriving at the docks. Wouldn’t you know it, those pesky criminals are there to steal the shipment. You’re thinking, “Oh no, not the medicine! What about all of those sick people who need it?” Don’t worry, I show up—SOCK! THWACK! BAP!—and prevent the shipment from being stolen. Doesn’t that warrant reimbursement? Not too much, mind you. The hospital can keep their medicine for a mere 20% of the value of the shipment.

 

Commissioner Gordon expressed some apprehension about me demanding a fee from the people of Gotham who are already struggling during these tough economic times. I told him that everyone has to do something to keep the lights on and I reminded him who comes to the rescue when he puts up the Bat signal. He said that the operation of the Bat signal doesn’t technically fall under the policing budget and that he actually pays for its giant bulbs out of pocket. He then asked if he could just call me on a cellphone when my help is needed, but I poo-pooed that idea. You think I have room for a cellphone on my utility belt? Besides, the Bat signal is badass. Everyone has expenses. Even me. Well, especially me.

 

Being The Caped Crusader is expensive. Capes themselves—while making up only a small portion of my operating budget—are quite costly. Putting aside the wear and tear that comes with hand-to-hand combat, the dry cleaning bills alone are astronomical. Robin suggested that I could shorten my cape, so that it doesn’t drag behind me and get so dirty, but I have a certain image I need to maintain. I stood us both in front of a mirror and told him plainly, “Look Robin, see the difference between your short cape and my extended cape? A short cape lends itself to a nickname like ‘The Boy Wonder’ and has more of a flamboyant, circus-y-vibe. A long cape is Gothic, mysterious, and gives off the brooding vibes that befit a name like ‘The Dark Knight’.”

 

What was I talking about before the whole cape thing? Right. Expenses.

 

Everyone loves my Batmobile and celebrates when I go tearing through the streets in it, but have you seen the price of gas these days? The Batmobile is many things: thunderously loud, incredibly fast, and very badass-looking. However, fuel-efficient it is not. I mean, it shoots 10-foot flames out of its giant tailpipe like a friggin’ fighter jet. It’s hard to get good gas mileage on a vehicle like that. The Mayor was so bold as to publish an Op-Ed in The Gotham Gazette suggesting that I, Batman, and my “excessive personal wars” are partially to blame for the surge in gas prices. Yeah, right, and I’m Bruce Wayne.