LEAKED: The Full Set of Rules for Reading the FBI’s Kavanaugh Report
(Remember, you will be on closed-circuit television, so you must adhere to these rules!)
Only one copy of the report will be made available for Senators to read.
The copy must be read in a locked room.
Senators have only one hour to read the report, alternating between Republicans and Democrats.
The report can be found in a box in the center of the room.
Touching the box starts the clock.
Inside the room are a series of objects that contain clues on how to unlock the box.
Do not break any of the items to find clues. All items are on personal loan from Tobin and Squi.
Senators may ask for 3 hints.
(Each hint removes one accuser’s account of sexual assault/harassment.)
After reading the report Senators must put the report back in the box.
This starts the secondary clock!
Senators may exit the room by signaling the Agent outside the door with the secret knock of Yale’s “Tit and Clit Club”.
(If the team does not know the knock, you may press the Emergency Button.)
Upon successfully leaving the room you’ll have your picture taken for social media showing how long you read the report for and be given an interview on FOX News!
(Those that have to use the Emergency Button will be released Friday evening.)
But, most importantly, Have Fun!!! You’re confirming a Supreme Court Justice!!!
Erik Sternberger started his career designing toys for DC Comics studied sketch writing and improv at the legendary Second City Chicago and his production company “Apathetic Revolutionary” creates comedy shorts and original scripts that have won awards at film festivals and contests around the country. Erik occasionally stands behind famous people in major motion pictures, creates original screenplays, and writes satire for various publications. Dogs seem to like him.