“I Couldn’t Help Killing Mufasa, I’m a Gemini” by Scar
A lot of people give me a hard time for murdering my brother, Mufasa. But what they don’t know is that I couldn’t help it even if I tried—I mean, I’m a Gemini for God’s sake! What did they expect? Yes, I killed my own brother, but Cain killed Abel! Romulus killed Remus! Dan killed Keith in that show-stopping season 3 episode of One Tree Hill (spoiler alert!) And according to Wikipedia, all of them were Geminis. Also, not to mention that most serial killers are Geminis. Yep, even Dahmer! So to be born under the Gemini sun sign, I didn’t have a fighting chance of not murdering my brother.
So, I will say one thing I love about being a Gemini is we truly are so adaptable and easygoing. As they say, we’ll try everything once! Even if that everything includes murdering your own blood brother and king, I am down to clown! As a kid, I was the first one of my friends to jump off the BIG diving board at the community pool. In college, I tried a ton of drugs. And as an adult, welp, I had to try something else I hadn’t done yet, and that just so happened to be assassinating my own flesh and blood! But for me, it’s not just about trying new things. It comes down to being realistic about your present situation and adapting as you go. For example, I didn’t like that Simba would be ranked before me in the line of succession. I felt like the Prince Charles of Pride Rock! But, as a Gemini, as I always do, I adapted—adapted by simply removing my main threat to power via homicide. Now that’s what I call making the best of your situation!
Geminis like me are known for not being the most loyal. Sorry babe, a ball of yarn doesn’t keep this kitty entertained for long. The moment I pushed my brother off a cliff, I was called a backstabber. I’m sorry, but the way you pronounce backstabber is “Gemini.” Like any Gemini, if I see a back, I’m going to stab it, that’s just what the stars in the sky want us to do. How else was I going to end up king? Mufasa just couldn’t keep it in his lion pants and had to have a son. I’m sorry but whatever happened to seniority? I can’t let some kid run a pride. Would you let a child run a country? Maybe America, but this pride hasn’t been colonized yet.
Let’s face it, Geminis are known for being totally two-faced, which to that I will admit: guilty as charged! I even have a visible scar on one side of my face, so it’s almost as if the stars themselves wanted everyone to know that I’m the best sign of the zodiac—I said what I said! Like the classic Gemini I am, you could say I run a little hot and cold. My dark side just so happened to come out the very moment I threw my brother and leader of the Pride Lands off a cliff, leading to an excruciatingly painful death! It’s funny how timing works, huh? Regardless, Mufasa can’t even blame me for this—everyone knows not to piss off a Gemini when they’re back on their bullshit! But while I do have an evil, demonic side, I’m also a total sweetheart—you just have to catch me on the right day! So yes, I did kill my brother, but did you also know that later that day, I smiled at a small rodent passing by? I bet Disney didn’t tell you that!
If you know anything about Geminis, you know we can be impulsive. I know, I know, the murder of my brother seemed pre-meditated, but it was impulsive in that moment. I don’t make the decisions in my life, my daily horoscope does. The day I killed Mufasa, my horoscope told me: “Do something ambitious today.” So, I took that as committing murder for political gain. But I’m the crazy one? Simba saw his dead dad in the clouds!
I know all of you are only hating on me not because I eliminated my brother by brute force, but because I’m a Gemini. It’s a fact that we have the most haters out of the zodiac, and they only hate me because they ain’t me. TBH, it’s probably most of you water signs who are doing the hating too. After all of this, are you shocked I killed Mufasa? He was a Pisces.
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Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
