A Toddler’s Etiquette Tips For Extricating Oneself From Boring Small Talk at a Party

  1. Scream directly in the face of your conversation partner at the highest decibel you can manage. Somehow sustain the scream so that it’s unclear whether or not you need to breathe.


  1. Start humming an indistinguishable tune while swinging your arms back and forth. If this doesn’t work right away, gradually let the humming get louder and the swinging more erratic until you’re a human waving inflatable tube-man.


  1. Poop your pants.


  1. Interject, “Are you DONE talking yet?!” and then proceed to regale them with how you gave lice to your entire class this summer.


  1. Take off all your clothes and stand there with a creepy smile on your face.


  1. Hand them a piece of clay that looks too much like poop and whisper, “I made this for you,” then disappear while they try to decipher it.


  1. Systematically take food off their plate and drop it on the floor one piece at a time, squishing it between your fingers first.


  1. Repeat “Can I have iPad time?” over and over again until the person goes and finds you an iPad.


  1. Collapse on the floor and proceed to wail so violently that your face turns a shade of what can only be described as angry prune. If they try to touch or console you, yell “YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY!” and run away.


  1. Walk over to the largest dessert that was made for the occasion and deftly shove both your arms into it up to your shoulders.


  1. Just start doing awkward, made-up acrobatics while they talk, and every once in a while, shout “WATCH!”


  1. Throw up on their pants and giggle.


  1. Interrupt them with the question, “What happens when you die?” then respond to every explanation with “Why?” until they give up.


  1. Stare blankly just past their face and start to nod off.


  1. Look them dead in the eye and say “KITTY” in a deep and menacing voice, then get down on your hands and knees and look for the kitty regardless of whether or not you actually saw one.


  1. Take their glasses/tie/neckerchief, put it on yourself incorrectly and proceed to mimic them into silence.


  1. Ask to see their phone then unceremoniously drop it in the veggie dip.


  1. Choke on your own saliva.