“I Thought It Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs” – An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-in With Your Co-worker
“I Thought it Would Be Easier for You to Drop Everything and Cater to My Needs” – An Impromptu, Unnecessary Desk-Side Check-In with Your Co-Worker
Do you have a minute? You’re answering numerous emails and Slack messages while also trying to pay attention to a Zoom meeting so I can see the answer is no, but I’m going to take more of your limited bandwidth anyway. I want to address an email I sent you that can easily wait until tomorrow or later in the week. You know, after you’ve tied up the dozens upon dozens of loose ends on these projects you’ve been working on for months? The ones that have demanded an unconscionable amount of overtime, forcing you to postpone vacation and other much needed moments of respite? Like I said, it’ll only take a minute or twenty. Let’s go over it now while I hover on the wall of your cubicle like a carrion bird with eyes trained on its next meal. Sound good? No? Super!
As you can see, my inquiry regards a matter of comparative irrelevance. It barely merits reading, let alone an immediate cessation of work that might very well keep the company afloat during this rocky period. Still, my connection to your direct supervisor, acting as both their intermediary and de facto proxy, essentially mandates that you give me your full and undivided attention right this very second. Everything you’re doing now is directly related to the work they’ve assigned, and they know the unreasonable mental and physical toll it’s been taking on you. But remember, I can easily misconstrue any moment of understandable frustration on your part towards me as a gesture of indirect passive aggressiveness towards them. Please completely ignore your problems so you can focus on mine.
Let’s move on to item number two. This is even more superfluous than the prior point, but by standing here flaunting my position of preeminence, I can sate my ego and pretend my work here has any degree of importance that is on par with what you’re doing. A lifetime of stumbling my way ass backwards into positions of power have reinforced my unconscious belief that I haven’t essentially had everything handed to me like the legacy student at Harvard Business School that I was. Remind me to bore you to tears about my time there on your lunch break, the sole moment of peace you’re going to have before strapping in for an EOD that won’t come until some indeterminate point after midnight. The only thing worse than heading home at that ungodly hour is realizing you have no one to share your home with once you get there. Who has time for a relationship with the hours you put in? But at least the cab rides are reimbursable. You are remembering to save the receipts, right?
This brings us to point number three, the one that indirectly calls you out for your slowness to respond. This implies that I consider your inability to cater to my every whim at the drop of a hat disrespectful, or even insubordinate. Sure, you could accurately state that you’re not my direct report, and this is all a feeble power trip carried out with no other purpose except to make myself feel important. But you forget, I have the luxury of doing this by being ever so slightly higher than you are on the rungs of this corporate ladder of ours. I may just take some more of your time to engage in empty banter about the weather, or if that local sports team of ours will ever stop playing like a bunch of Little Leaguers. You don’t care? Neither do I! Well, except for my ability to do this to you free of any consequence.
I’ll be back to continue this discussion at that aforementioned lunch break. I’ll have our unpaid intern fetch some coffee for us like the good little “go-fer” that they are. Funny story: that method of employment is probably illegal, but what are they going to do, file a complaint with their union? If that was an option, you would have done it months ago. Furthermore…what union? Am I right?! Well, you keep up the good work. I’m looking forward to figuratively smothering you with tales of my recent escapades in the Hamptons. Coincidentally, they all took place during the week you were supposed to be there before cancelling your vacation in lieu of today’s vitally important deadline. See you then!
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Corey Pajka is a Brooklyn, NY-based writer. His satirical work has been published by Points In Case , Flexx Mag, The Weekly Humorist, Robot Butt, and The Satirist. His theatrical work has been produced regionally at theatres across the U.S. and in New York at Off and Off-Off Broadway venues. His radio plays are available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and other outlets. He is also a climate change activist, working with 350Brooklyn. He co-edits their bi-weekly newsletter and contributes to their e-magazine Parts Per Million. He is married to another playwright, and they have a Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Sancho Panza. www.coreypajka.com
