Q: There are many bizarre conspiracy theories purported to be QAnon beliefs, but perhaps the one of most concern to me is the belief that wiping front to back is the work of Satan and his minions (ie, Liberals). Can you please clear this up?
A: The fake news media is having a lot of fun attributing wild ideas and theories to the leaders of QAnon. Rest assured, things are not quite that wacky here! In fact, if you’re wiping at all, you’re several steps ahead than the vast majority of our members. Welcome aboard!
Q: I would feel better about joining QAnon if I knew the identity of Q. Sure, the “person of mystery” allure is intriguing, but at the end of the day, I like to see the face of the person filling my head with nonsense. Any chance you’ll be spilling the beans soon?
A: Yes, we get this one a lot. The thing to remember is that Q is more of an idea than an actual person. Which is to say, we’re not entirely sure. But we think that it may be Rusty’s oldest son Carl, who’s had a lot of free time on his hands since getting kicked out of air-conditioning repair school a couple of years ago.
Q: If we join QAnon, can we contribute to the wellspring of crazy, made-up conspiracy theories? I have a couple of neighbors that I’d love to accuse of molesting goats or something.
A: Molesting goats, eh? We like your style! Seriously, though, all of our laughably bizarre conspiracy theories come from Q, and there needs to be a measure of Quality control. Having said that, please feel free to take any of our wild theories and ascribe them to your own miserable life.
Q: My nana marched in several dozen pro-Trump QAnon rallies in subzero degree temperatures, and soon thereafter contacted severe pneumonia and died. Her funeral is coming up this weekend, any chance that Q could speak at the event? There will be no masking, so all of you are welcome!
A: Thanks for the invite, and sorry for your loss! Just know that her sacrifice is not in vain (although it probably actually is). We appreciate your support and continued funding, but we don’t like to actually socialize with the people who follow QAnon. Most of you are very creepy.
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence